When you have a kid who has some problems to a larger extent than average, whatever they are, parenting and home are going to be stressful. Period.
That's basically my advice.
I have a major mental illness, my child has some problems that I no longer describe, but they aren't her fault or anybody else's. Even if everybody does everything right, including her doing everything right, it could still kill her. We can reduce but not eliminate the risk, and I have to live with that every single day.
Parenting is going to be stressful. Find yourself a good therapist for yourself and go. Talk to your therapist, listen to your therapist.
There is no road map. We're all winging it. When your kid is having more problems than average, your average parental support system isn't going to be enough. Get help for yourself. Use it.
The only "exit plan" that will work with your kid is that you cope. Every kid is different, every family situation is different, every day with every kid is radically different.
Sure, it feels like the same old same old, or like it goes in cycles. Problem is, every minute it has the potential to turn radically different right then.
You're winging it. The only way to cope is to have an experienced support system that's winging it with you.
Oh, and avoid blaming your kid. It's not useful.
The Programs have it almost right when they talk about "what works"--the thing is, too many of them will do horrible things in the name of "what works" and rationalize that the ends justify the means.
You do "what works" in the context of normal societal rules of being a decent human being in how you treat other people. Blame doesn't work.
You may not be able to rescue your child. You can cope, you can do what you can that's consistent with being a decent person and has a chance of helping.
But your kid is a separate individual person from you and can rise or fall on his own no matter what you do. And if he falls, it may just not be anyone's fault.
I think parents sometimes use Programs because that's way too hard a fact to accept. There's so much emotional pressure from loving your kid to "do something" that people go off and do a wrong something that makes things worse. They don't mean to, for many it's just a denial based panic.
If you do everything you can, "you can" being in the context of your best judgment at the time and staying healthy yourself, your kid may still sink instead of swim.
If your kid does everything he can, "he can" being in the context of him being screwed up and it maybe looking like his fault but not being, he may still sink instead of swim.
Life sucks sometimes, including some damned awful truths.
Get a very good therapist to help you cope with that sucky fact, and follow through with your stated intent of going and getting your kid. ASAP on that last bit. A Program isn't a safe place to be.
Julie
