Deb,
Yes. Basically, it comes down to blackmailing your kid. That, which you described, regarding the meds, I have never heard of, however, that doesn't mean it never happened. That's part of the brainwashing. Maybe you did, and just forgot it as easily as you read it, all in the name of WWASP, and solidarity.
Same thing with the meds happened at Benchmark. A girl, Lindsey, was even denied her anti-siesure medication (which could have easily been lethal). They claimed they could sell the meds, or the kids would abuse them.
This happened to me too. Before i was put in private program I ws in a myriad of psychiatric programs and other RTC type places so I came into this program on a bunch of meds. I was on 1mg xanax 4 times per day, 25mg zyprexa 1 time day, 250mg effexor 3 times day, 2 times day of thyroid medication for hyper thyroid, 3 times day buspar, 2 times day some other one I cant remember that was supposed to curb drug cravings.
So a couple days after I turned 18 I said I was walking and they used this against me. They got my dad on the phone. First time I talked to him in 7 months, since he dropped me off there. It also happened to be his birthday, which is a few days after mine. He said they told him I was doing bad, and in isolation all the time, that I had run, and that I was now wanting to leave. He said please stay and finish high school at least (this would of taken me 1-2 months). I said no way!
At this point it turned from "concerned about your well being please stay" tone to " you better stay or else" tone. So he just regurgitated lies from the manipulative and accused child molester family rep , as she sat there smugly grinning at her manipulation as I watched in horror. So I try to get a word in, but he's not hearing it. He is no longer on my team, that much was clear.
So after a heated exchange between the three of us fro a few minutes I feel like I am going to explode,something this program knows well, driving kids to nervous breakdowns and emotional meltdowns. So they let me walk around the facility, fuming.. steaming... in another world.. seeing red. Because my dad just told me on the phone... a bunch of lies. Let me summarize them:
1. His friend who was a judge, was in the process of drawing up "conservativeship" papers to keep me there until I turn 21 based on my supposed mental health problems.
2. If I called my mom (who I had been secretly communicating with in hidden letters hidden within the inside of greeting cards(sounds crazy but this is the reality of these gulags ). Well my dad found out and was super pissed she was involved. If I called her for help, the FBI would be involved and she would be put in jail I was told.
3. I would receive no exit plan, no 30 dollars and ride to Missoula like so many other kids received. I was getting only clothes on my back, and the ability to walk down the road. I was fine with this .
4. Since my dad owned my medications I could not have them. If I took them they would call the (corrupt) sherrif to come pick me up for theft and have me serve my sentence at the program I was in.
5. If i left without my meds they would call the (corupt) sheriff to come arrest me and have me committed to the psych hospital for being suicidal, on the assumption if I left SCL without meds I needed to live (rapid withdrawal from all those at the same time I was told would be not so good and potential fatal) it was the same thing as jumping off a bridge. I would be forced into hospital and given the meds via needle I was told and then returned to SCL because the conservativership would surely go through if I did such an irrational thing like that.
7. I was repeatedly told by psychiatrists and re-affirmed by staff of numerous programs I was schizophrenic, 'major' depressed, suicidal, helplessly addicted to drugs, severe anxiety, and to top it off the label of psychotic disorder. They were trying to get me to "absorb " this into my psyche, which I refused to do. Is this how pharmaceutical companies secures lifelong customers for their (stronger than street drugs) corporate medicines? I am repulsed and sickened by my own experience.
So after all that I willingly agreed to go to a psychiatric hospital and "return to the program" after I "stabilized" (full blown nervous breakdown after these dramatic confrontations, and being the first conversation with my dad in so long,but at this point, I was walking that day no matter what), So after this day-long wrangling and emotional battle of wills with these people , finally a nice staff member drove me the couple hours through thick forests and beautiful lakes and mountains back to civilization (yay!) and to the hospital.
Now of course normally I was not too happy to be in a psych hospital. I rebelled enough to get restrained, etc. But at this point I was very thankful, and my reality so skewed, this hospital seemed like a god send. So luckily the place was not influence by the program I was in, and I as able to talk with normal human beings and tell them what happened.
I had to stay for a month in that hospital though, it took me and the psychiatrist and therapists that long to convince and work out a contract with my dad to come home, he was that brainwashed or whatever by the program and diagnosis that I was insane. He really didn't want me coming home, but I said I would rather walk out onto the streets of CourDelane and try my best there than go to another program.
So then I got home and I went back into the day treatment program I was in before so many times. I did it, but nothing was the same anymore. The whole world looked different to me. Living at home was just horrible. My dad had turned into missing in action dad, to overt control freak dad. . so now he's giving me my meds and holding my mouth open to see I take them. He's pulling my sleeves up to see if I cut. He's always interrogating me to see if I am high. I was drug tested at the day treatment program daily, and constantly told I was crazy and needing to be on massive amounts of medication that just drained me physically and emotionally and I had completely lost my sex drive while on them.
So after about a week and a half of this I was breaking under the constant pressure to act like everything was normal, and so when the day treatment people asked what I was going to do that day I said I wanted to go down to tijuana to get drunk .
You only have to be 18 to drink in Tijuana, and I had just turned 18 and wanted to go down and party and told them that, and they laughed.. lol.. I was kind of daring them to put me in inpatient.. a subtle cry for help saying please fucking save me from my insane life that I call home and my whole world was just melting away.
So that night I got home and packed up whatever valuables I still had left in my room. I took the bus downtown, then rode the trolley down to the border and walked across it was about 7pm so still sunny because it was summer, a weekday so not that many americans just lots of commuting mexicans going home from work.
I brought down a cheap video camera, some nice sunglasses and a portable CD player because I was only allowed to keep a couple dollars on me to prevent me from buying drugs. So it was getting dark and I had never been in mexico before and I just walk where all the mexicans are walking which is to this culdasec with a bunch of old busses. The old international style school bus with old wooden seats.
I just got on one of these buses and sat down near the front because the rest was filled with a bunch of small looking mexicans. There was no sign or anything where it was going. Luckily the driver spoke english. I sat behind him and asked where it was going. He said to drop these people off, and asked if I was trying to get to revolucion because if so I got on the wrong bus. So we drove all around these residential neighborhoods and all the people got off at their small shanty houses.
I was upfront said I want to get high I dont really want to waste my time dancing and drinking I dont really like to drink but if he has something a little better I would appreciate that. I said I dont have any money but I have these new sunglasses and showed him the rest of my stuff and he said he'd see what he could work out.
We go back drop the bus off and then get in a taxi with about 12 other people because that's how its done down there to save money. We make ten stops and finally after driving for what seems like for whatever around residential neighborhood of dirt street shanty towns he get off near this alley. I followed the guy down this dark alley, flickers of lighters going off all around, he walked down while I just chilled against a building trying to act like I am not totally out of place lol.
He comes back a few minutes later and he points to this one apartment we go to. He knocks on the door and this big mexican guy answers and lets us in. Remove the innards of a light bulb but since it wasnt clear it had that white lining on it that had to be removed first so that took a while. After that what I traveled so far for finally happened and we tweeked out all night. At about 2 or so they forced me to take a break and we walked down this dirt road and a couple blocks down in this intersection was a food stand. So the dude slices off some dog meat or whatever it is and they say you arent smoking more until you eat this.
Eating on speed is disgusting.. but eating dog meat carved of fa stick in tj is even more gross but I wanted to smoke more so I pound this shit burger down and eventually satisfy them this gringo is not going to drop dead on their floor and get the bulb back in my hand for a while. After partying for the night the big guy kicks us out and we go walking around. We found a bus to chill on and the window was open so opened the door and tried to get some sleep. My new friend actually fell asleep but I was wide awake and watched the sun rise over this quiet and totally different neighborhood than the one I was used to.
Couple hours later some other dude comes in the bus and sits down and at first pretends not to see me then all of a sudden starts screaming and Im poking my friend who speaks spanish to wake up and he wouldnt wake up he was so fucking out I had to shake him a few times and he woke up. He said something to the driver and he blew us off, with that international hand slap and grunt and he drove off. So we drove all around these dirt roads to residential areas for a couple hours, it was a nice tour of hte city.
Finally got back to the border and the guy says if I want to party again to look him up. Broken lighbulb in my pocket eyes gouging I made it back across the border saying I was there to b"buy cigarettes" even though I only had like 2 left in my pack.. lol.
Get back on the trolley, hoping they dont check for tickets. Get off trolley downtown and get on the bus and the funny thing is I had some change left in my pocket and it was exactly enough right down to the penny to get back to the treatment facility place since I had nowhere else to go. I walked in and I was going to pretend like nothing happened, but I looked so visibly fucked up they noticed right away.
So after talking to them for a little while and them figuring out I was tweeking like a motherfucker fairly fast, they sent me to the ER since I had overdosed recently before they thought i was hurt myself again. I told them the ER doesn't like overdoses so I didn't want to go but they said they'd call the cops so I went. They jab me with needs for what seems like hours and then give me some IV drugs to calm down and then I started hallucinating. I started seeing monsters and cartoon characters all over the hospital, and on my bed.. it wasn't scary, or a bad trip. I told them, hey.. I'm seeing characters here and that's all I remember from the hospital but I was discharged in that state to go home to my dad.
When I got home I just went in my room and went on my computer. I was just staring at the screen since I was still tripping, and the colors were pretty. I turned around and the stack of laundry on my bed started taking on life, and then the clothes all got vertical and were dancing with each other and I started laughing, boy was I chuckling from that , because it was very funny to see that!
I didn't know but my dad had brought his friend over, his AA fanatical friend. He's the guy who would take me to CA meetings while high before I got sent to all these places. So anyways he comes in my room. He was this huge , burly, hairy bear of a man, and I thought he was funny too so I started laughing. This was disturbing him and my family though, the uncontrollable laughing. SO the big AA guy starts to like bear hug me, like some sort of AA exorcism for drugs or something, I kid you not. I said get off and just laughed more. They keep talking to me and saying AA slogans and shit to try and get me to come down since me being high was so destructive to their realities for some reason.
I walked out of that room from the confrontation, and into the living room. I was siting in a relaxing chair, staring at the fireplace and then the pictures above it, with the people in it started to dance. They were dancing like clear as video, it was so fucking amazing and funny at the same time. This is when the next thing I notice there are two big ass uniformed cops with their hands on their guns in the living room right next to me. I jumped, because I was so shocked by cops being behind me just turning around and they grab at their guns .
They tell me stand up and they handcuff me and lead me out of the house. I stare up and watch the stars dance around, I am still laughing. Even these cops can't ruin this high! They put me in the back of their patrol car, nothing new... so I tried talking to them but they just laughed at me for being so high. I just stared at their computer screen , telling them the crazy shit I was seeing and we all had a good laugh on the 30 minutes drive to the criminal insane place. This was not the psych hospital I had been so many times before. This was the police version of it so it was dank and shit and slightly different.
I was led into a locked room where a doctor was there. He said what was I seeing. I said I saw the corners of the walls were peeling back and the walls were coming down and shit like that. I saw these three huge ass fucking needles like you'd think a horse was in there, and he bends me over and shoots me in the ass with all three one after the other. I had enough energy to be led back to my cell , lay down, and pass out.
I woke up in a lock ward to the sounds of some psychotic dude banging on his door screaming shit. Later my door was opened and I was allowed in the main room to read the magazines or use the pay phone. I had no one to call. I asked when I was getting out, no response. I ate their meals they gave me. The other guy had to stay locked up so I was the only one there. I just chilled for 4 days and they said my dad was coming to get me out.
He picked me up and said they were releasing me to transfer. So I was transfered from there to the adult ward of the psychiatric hospital I had been in. But this wasn't the adolescent ward. Or the ward for drug users. They put me in the psychotic ward. So I was in this place now on a 14 day hold. The one good thing was they gave us cigarettes, that is the one thing that kept me sane, that and xanax.
My roommate was psychotic, couldn't talk to him. I woke up at night many times to find him squatting in the corner near his bed, taking a crap on the floor. Or I'd walk in the room in the afternoon, and this man would be rolling on the ground in his own urine. There is no way to describe it other than utterly and completely sad and pathetic. I feel bad people are treated this way. Another guy walked around the whole time saying how he was going to chop his wifes head off. SO I had made the leap from adolescent facilities to adult facilities, and I got to say the adult ones were much more entertaining. Lots of fights with staff, and general craziness at all times. It was never quiet. If I didn't' have sleep meds that were strong I wouldn't have got any.
After the 14 days was up in this little locked hallway, I was eager to leave, but told that it was being extended to another 14 days. Yeah so here we go again, I had heard this all before. I immediately get on the phones they have with the advocates they say they connect to. They said they put me on list to look into it I never heard back, apparently they look into it on their own and not contact me. This point I figured the doctor was my lifeline, so I tried to convince him to let me go, but he still wouldn't unless i agreed to go to treatment.
So him and my dad found this place (since my dad had so many AA connections from his years in that program and all his friends were) to this sober living group home thing for adults. He was totally out of money and just about to lose our health insurance as it was, so this one was like a community run program, it was for poor people is a better way to put it.
So after 18 days or something locked up in that craziness, my dad picks me up and drives me the hour north to the orientation center to the house. They don't tell you where the house is, you have to go to this orientation office first, a small office in a strip mall type building. I walked in and there was about two dozen people sitting around. Everyone was a lot older than me, I had just turned 18. These people looked like they were mostly in their 30 and 40's and I didn't look forward to it. This place was run by ex addicts, it was just a group home for NA.
I sat in the orientation and the more they talked the more and more iI got uncomfortable. After the two hour orientation, I took my two big ass suitcases, and put them in the dumpster outside, and walked down the street to find the nearest pay phone. I found the pay phone and called my dad cell phone collect. He answered, I could hear from his phone he was still on the road home. I said you don't understand what this place is and where I have been and I can't do this, please pick me up. I'll be good at home just please pick me up. He said no. I called back his phone was off.
SO that was the real point of my "exit plan", now finally I was left on the street all by myself, either to return to the 1 year at least treatment group home and live with other addicts reveling in our shared sympathy, or do whatever. So the sun was going down and I didn't know who to call. I couldn't remember phone numbers.
I called number after number after number collect, I learned how to dial real fast that day because it took me a couple hours after dark and it was getting cold until I finally got my sisters number right and they didnt answer, and since it was collect I couldn't leave message, but at least I had the number. So that night I walk around I wasn't going to sleep anyways and every few hours try calling my sister.
Finally got a hold of her, she had moved out while I was in the program with her boyfriend and I asked her, well begged her to stay with her. She said dad had already called her. She said that if she let me stay with her, dad would take her car back and not help with rent. I begged and said I had nowhere else to go and I was serious too, my next choice was back down to party with my mexican friend. She relented and said only for a few days. So she came and picked me up that morning .
Over the next couple weeks through back scene political wrangling in order for her not to kick me out I had to agree to go to a adult day treatment program, the doctor there was nice and helped me get on state disability for of all things psychotic disorder and receive some of the moneys I had payed into since I had worked so much as a teen. So that gave me about 600 a month in money for little while, and all I had to do was go to this other treatment center for crazy schizo adults. I saved me money for the net couple months and then met a friend and moved out with them and that was my official "exit plan" from my family forever.
The funny thing is now my dad wants back in my life that I was able to make it despite all his attempts to force me down his road of reasoning, which was not for me. I feel like he was willing to leave me on the streets, and I proved him wrong by doing well in my life and not dying of an OD or doing all the things and being all the things they kept wanting me to believe I was. I called their bluff.
I would like to believe that my dad needed the programs "help" to come up with the idea of an exit plan, but I think the reason he sought out the programs he did was because he agreed with the philosophy. He still does to this day. It's like he says I'm sorry about the torture, but you can't fault the torturers. Doesn't make any sense to me.
They help they were offering and then forced didn't help, it just made things worse and define the world for me as them being oppressors because that's kind of how it works out. For them tweaking trips to Tijuana are insanity, you must be crazy. I just challenge their assumptions that things are dangerous and prove them wrong and they punished me for it.
But yeah, that about sums up my exit plan which took a couple months of battling. But I finally won the war for freedom, so it's all good. ::bandit::
