My name is Tony and I "7stepped" the kids helping kids program and was a trainee on staff for a number of months. I also returned to group to support the kids thereafter. I was eventually shunned and ostracised by executive staff and, in turn, all staff.
I don't remember everything that occured while I was in KHK Hebron from 86-88. However, I do remember quite a bit about the experience and how I felt something was not only wrong but almost sinister going on.
Total secrecy to the outside world? Communications to family rigidly limited which almost seemed to cause only ambiguity and distrust. From the first day, my intake, I was severely humiliated in any way they could implement. Now, in my mind, there is a divisions between the pre-brainwashed and the brainwashed. I choose to call this "first phase" and then "all other phases and beyond".
I am primarily more interested with the first phase experience which consists of immediate lying and coercion, psychological deteriorative tactics, constant noise disturbances to disturb thinking patterns (songs and chants), distrust of outsiders, constant suggestive mental conditioning, sleep deprivation, food deprivation, sunlight deprivation, outside deprivation, confusion, physical exhaustion, the constant onslaught of demeaning, demoralizing, and totally humiliating behavior, negative peer emotions and aggressions aimed at forcibly and encouraged or directed by staff to impose oppression and the belief that you were, in fact, powerless and worthless. Self hate accompanied by overwhelming shame and guilt were also used to break down not only your individuality but also your identity as a good, healthy person. Dread caused by the unknown and forced allegiance to the program and god went against all I had learned in civics class. All I had learned about Freedom, Liberty and Justice for all. Also, this ideology went against all I had learned in my church experiences.
All of these tactics and inhumane behind the scenes activities have been scientifically proven to cause severe psychological issues. These practices were intended for the sole purpose of brainwashing us. This purpose enables the program to retain control and exploit both kids and parents for financial gain while keeping the actions attributed to their unsubstantiated success a secret allowing them to continue this torturous behavior. The kids are in the dark and the parents are fed lies to "explain" why this tough love is so desperately needed. The parents are controlled by fear and that lack of total program support is indicative of the parent not loving their child. Another core guilt tactic.
Once I was brainwashed, I was no longer in control of my identity, my thoughts and even my actions. I was a minion, a carbon based, programmed, biological robot. Or simply put, a mind controlled slave. This is why I focus more on first phase because this is where I believe the emotional trauma and psychological damage is inflicted at it's utmost. I still hated myself and took responsibility for all problems I encountered after "working the program". Because I was brainwashed, I believed that without the program and it's own version of reality that I would die. Drugs and alcohol would intice me and I would succumb to the druggie lifestyle and through a course of a downward spiral, die. I cannot explain why I, due to the overwhelming abuse, attempted suicide and carved up my arm in the program on first phase only to love the program and defend it with all my heart only months later. They hadn't changed. My brain had been tampered with and altered methodically and systematically. I was brainwashed.
I don't feel guilty for my actions supporting the program after first phase, but I also do feel very guilty still. I realize that I had no control. I fought for months to not be broken, but I was broken. I inflicted all the tactics, tortures and behaviors that I had been subjected to on others. I completely believed that it was for the good of the phasers. As I mentioned, I do feel guilty. Not only for the shame and humiliation I received from the group about how terrible of a person that I was lead to believe, but moreso the way I was part of the degrading, monstrous behaviors that I know have harmed so many people in so many ways. I became what I hated which is carried within my mind and I suspect is one important reason I never wanted to think about it after I started to become less-brainwashed after graduating.
You can capture certain abuses on tape. You can find broken laws and attempt to prosecute. You can even walk through and see the shiny, smiling evidence of a program that is a possible success. Ultimately what you don't see is the truth. The Truth! The damage done and being done is for the most part, inside the brain of the kids. It lingers in our brains, out of sight and any problems derived from the brainwashing are attributed to our own lack of mental health, or the poor choices we have made. We are discredited for our past and present and the cycle of program lies drives on. As our lives, hobbled by the program, continue.
These are some of my thoughts about my personal experience with this program at this point in time. I am starting to be able to write thoughts in a cohesive manor. Many thanks to all of you who are aiding in my recovery from this and many thanks to all of you who have been active in fighting against this establishment that feed their own mental illness on the easy prey of children without protection and for immense monetary gain.
Some thoughts,
Tony
