Straight and the Double Edged Sword

[misbehaver]

I've used my experience in the program to insulate me from feeling or caring about anyone or anything. This allowed me to strike with impunity; no one else's feelings ever needed concern me. Sharp edged and callous.



On the other hand, when it came time for me to respond to or reciprocate honest and often loving feelings, I could not. I cannot.I simply pushed my loved ones away or moved on to the next to be conquered. Hence, the theory of the "Double Edged Sword"; I'm way too quick to cut off any potential chance of "feeling", while the other side of the blade is dulled far enough not to inflict any harm.



Does any of this sound familiar? To push people away; knowing that you want them more than anything? Now, I want to feel; to be sensitive to those around me, but cannot.

Can anyone relate? I hope it's not too late.

[ This Message was edited by: misbehaver on 2002-10-03 14:05 ]

[85 Day Jerk]

I know just how you feel.  Christmas of 2000,
my dad mailed me a check with a birthday card
and I never cashed it.  It hung over his bank
account for over a year.  He finally had to do a legal manuever and declare the money abandoned in order to get out from under it.
I just felt like putting him through some mental anguish simple as that.  I finally had the opportunity, and I took advantage of
it.  The check was for $50 and I think not cashing it hurt him more than if I had stolen
fifty dollars from him.  I think a lot of our
personalities is a direct result of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Try to sit in at a group meeting in your area.  Your local Vocational Rehabilitation office should have
information on it.  Good Luck    '79 graduate
Original Straight, St. Pete FL

[ This Message was edited by: 85 Day Jerk on 2002-10-03 19:18 ]

[hedwigfan]

[ This Message was edited by: hedwigfan on 2003-03-12 15:29 ]

[misbehaver]

Either way, I thank ya; 85 D.J. and hedwigfan for your responses. I appreciate your empathy

Guess I know a bit about PTSD, I always made a habit of rolling into town and grabbing vets from the VA. We'd party, maybe do some unarmed combatives and I'd give them some cash and roll out. Might be my turn to ask for help? It's been a rocky road...

Here's my "thought for the day":

"O God of Earth and Altar,
Bow down and hear our cry,
Our earthly rulers falter,
Our people drift and die,
The walls of gold entomb us,
The swords of scorn divide,
Take not thy thunder from us,
But take away our pride."
(G.K. Chesterton: English Hymnal)