Why parents have favorite children.

[Anonymous]

Anyone else have any siblings that had everything handed to them on a silver platter, only to be shunned themselves?

I never quite figured that one out...

Or a parent who sent one kid to a program and not the other?

[exhausted]

Yup - my brothers could do no wrong, I was always the thorn in my mothers side

Even to this day and believe me, they put her through some serious shit. (one still does)

[try another castle]

I think I actually got more attention from my parents than my sister did, because I was the one who acted out more, was weirder, artistic (which they supported), etc. It also didn't help that I used to beat the crap out of her when we were kids. She's the exact opposite of me in every way. Relatively mellow, very sensitive, very family-oriented. (She lived with my mom after college until she got married.)

If there was a favorite, I have no idea who it might be. However, I got sent to a childrens' home, and then to a program about a year after I got out of the first place. My parents told me that they were actually considering placing me when I was 5 years old because of behavioral problems they didn't know how to address, but fortunately, they backed out. Throughout my life, I was always threatened with placement of some sort or another. I guess it's a good thing that I only ended up in two places instead of several. And the first place, as far as I'm concerned, was the best thing that ever happened to me. (My parents heartily disagree on that matter. As my mom put it "You came out of there talking like a black person.")

I always kind of felt that I was the one who had more privilege, because of the attention, even though a lot of it was negative. My sister was always kind of left by the wayside when we were younger, I think. I know that sounds twisted, because my behavior was often pathologized, but the fact of the matter is, I was getting a lot of attention, and she was getting less.

I think that the fact that I was adopted, and the oldest, might have something to do with this as well. My sister wasn't. It was the classic case of adopting because you can't conceive, and then soon after you adopt a child, you get pregnant. Then you end up with this kid who is genetically yours, and there is a different kind of bond, as opposed to this totally wild thing you adopted who you can't control, and they don't look like you.

When my cousin and his wife were considering adopting an orphan from Vietnam, my Dad said to them "Whatever you do, don't adopt." Two of my other cousins were adopted, both of whom also suffer from mental illness. (One of them is now deceased.) The one who is still alive is, as far as I know, now doing well and has a family.

Regardless, adoptees in our family have a bad track record.

Apparently, according to Ginger, there is possibly a larger percentage of adopted kids who go into programs than ones who aren't.

[exhausted]

Try Another Castle - do you mind if I show a friend this information?

He is at University studying psychology and his area is effects on adopted children, he is the only one of four who is the biological son (happened the other way round for his parents, had one and couldn't concieve after)

His main interst is although his younger sisters and brother are adopted, they were all brought up exactly the same, yet you could not meet 3 more different people, they really are genetically made up with different emmotional problems, it's quite bizarre.
The middle child, a girl, has always been the focus of attention, it's all about her for some reason, she is a wild child/adult and her sister is a good girl, married, 2.4 children etc, yet the younger brother is also a wild child, yet he is not the chosen one, there seems to be no pattern with this

Both my parents are adopted, my dad has a brother who is a biological son who was always the favourite, my mum has an also adopted sister who was always the favourite - to a mental cruelty degree unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a pattern behind any of the favouritism issue

I love all of my own children the same, of course, I'd die for them all, but I have to admit, my daughter is very special to me in some way that the others aren't, the only girl? The only one who has never given me aggro? I don't know ... I can't explain it.

[try another castle]

sure, feel free to show him the info.

[Oz girl]

I know someone whose oldest is adopted, sort of. Kids mother did not want to raise a kid but did not abort so the dad got the kid, remarried when the son was *very* small and his new partner raised him as part of the family. They have 2 other boys. This kid is like so well behaved at 14 it is almost a little alarming. He does see biological mum from time to time she is like a distant family friend. Worked out for all concerned

[try another castle]

I don't honestly know if there is any discernible pattern regarding behavior in adopted kids.

Nor do I know whether there is one for preferential treatment, I only know my own case.

What I do know is that my friend, who is also adopted, and I have discussed our emotional connections to our families, and despite the fact that our parents love us very much, we feel distant from them. I go for months without speaking to my father, and I don't even care. It suits me just fine. My mom will call me several times before I finally call her back. Same with my other family members. One could say it was because my parents sent me to a program, but my friend never went into a program, and she feels the same way. I really think it goes deeper than that. Or... it could just be coincidence.

In addition, if Ginger's hypothesis pans out, and we can get numbers on this, it would be very interesting indeed to know whether a disproportionate number of adopted kids are being put in programs. I guess one would have to compare it to the percentage of adopted kids put in regular prep boarding schools, and see if there is a discrepancy. Those numbers would also have to be compared to the percentage of adopted kids who are in public or private schools, but live at home.


I should probably add: my cousin and his wife did go ahead and adopt a child from Vietnam. She is around 10 now, and is wickedly smart, totally precocious, very talented (visual artist), a tomogochi addict, and pretends to be completely jaded about everything. (Like most kids that age.) She totally rules. She can be quite surly at times and not want to acknowledge relatives when they come to visit, which makes me smile, because I remember what it was like at that age.

I think that my cousin is a pretty good dad, too. Their situation might be a bit different, due to the fact that he and his wife were able to conceive, but decided instead to adopt. It wasn't a "plan B" situation. Their daughter was always their "plan A".

[Anonymous]

I wonder if an open adoption helps with this issue? i see a lot of programs claiming to help with "adoption attachment issues". i can not understand how sending a kid to a place which limits contact with the family would help a kid get through that

[TheWho]

I wonder if an open adoption helps with this issue? i see a lot of programs claiming to help with "adoption attachment issues". i can not understand how sending a kid to a place which limits contact with the family would help a kid get through that

I believe an “open adoption” would help with these issues.  The earlier in the life a child is adopted the better for the child.  Postponing the adoption process can lead to attachment issues and a full spectrum of other related issues.  If the adoption is open and there is full disclosure then any issues the child may have or health issues the parents may have (history of depression etc.) can be passed on to the adoptive parents which will help them make informed decisions for their child.
Not too sure I agree that a TBS is the best place for a child with “attachment issues”.  At least in as far as I am aware of the definition including R.A.D.(Reactive Attachment Disorder).  I suppose cases where the child is older, adopted at an older age and/or a disruption may be imminent then outplacement therapy may be beneficial.  But at this point with what I know I can’t see a TBS as being a good decision for these types of kids.

[Troll Control]

Last post is from this guy.  I'd be careful atking child "rearing" advice from a cat like this...

He's been perpetratin' here for a while...  Have a look-see at his latest.  Why would he try to change the focus off himself I wonder?   :lol:

Thank you, TheWho, for giving us a window into your dementia from time to time.  This is a gem:

This is NOT FUNNY, TheWho!  What is WRONG with you?

Here's another Sleazy Response from TheWho about a sexual abuse victim:

Ha, Ha, Ha.............  Sometimes this is too funny!  You people will say anything to get attention or to manipulate... Ha, Ha, Ha...  Well, you know, sometimes a kid getting anally gang-raped is the best way to deal with immaturity!  You have to grow up some time.......Ha, Ha, Ha

This guy is SICK!

[exhausted]

Strange that should be brought up - both my mum and my dad were shipped off to public schools, does public school mean the same here in the UK as everywhere else? Public school meaning boarding school for the rich

In my mum's case, she was told she was adopted at aged 9, then told she was getting an adopted sister, then told she was going to boarding school all in the same week, that must have been pretty disturbing

[Ursus]

Strange that should be brought up - both my mum and my dad were shipped off to public schools, does public school mean the same here in the UK as everywhere else? Public school meaning boarding school for the rich

In my mum's case, she was told she was adopted at aged 9, then told she was getting an adopted sister, then told she was going to boarding school all in the same week, that must have been pretty disturbing

No re. the public/private school question... In the U.S.A., public school is local, paid for by taxes, busing provided if you don't live close enough to walk, kids live at home.  

Private school is paid for by the parents, or by the state in cases of mandatory placement in a TBS or similar.  It's called a boarding school if kids live at the school, country day school if it is local and kids live at home.

Charter schools are public schools that have a more specialized agenda.  Local desire for their existence drives their focus.  Parental involvement is generally higher, academic quality varies.