I need advise

[Deborah]

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde inervtisy,

it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a

wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the

frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a totla mses adn you can sitll

raed it wouthit porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed

ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

[vern]

Exhausted,

A few weeks ago you gave me some great advice when I needed it,
I'm sending it back to you now in your time of need.

 I have been/am EXACTLY where you are x3

No you can't make him do anything, tell him you don't want to make him, that is the last thing you want him to do, the whole idea is that he wants to do something about it

All i can offer you is what I did, I decided not to send my kids to a program, even though it meant hell for me, I stood back and observed what I was doing as a parent and what they were doing as people, it took alot for me to realise that these kids are people and i have no right to make their life choices ofr them, it's down to them what they want to do for a living, whether they want to follow a criminal path etc etc, nearly immediately after stepping back and letting them know I didn't intend to screw out at them, but armed them with all the information i could muster, I gave them their weapons, then I let them out to survve, they knew the consequences, they knew they were not my consequences and I would not accept any responsibility for anything that came of bad choices made by them - they started to trust me, they started to respect me, they started to come to me with problems - why? probably because they knew for starters I wasn't going to freak out, or try to control them, but they also knew it might be worth getting some more info from me before doing anything they may regret

The bad choices still happen, it's not a magic cure, but the good ones far outweigh the bad, this could be because the responsibility i theirs alone, it could be that they are seeing me as someone other than the enemy, more likely it's because they don't wind me up anymore and therefore it's no fun, I don't really care what their reasoning is, al i know is that I have loving kids who are working really hard on finding themselves as peple, rather than controlled (or rather me trying to control them) robots who just did everything behind my back, we really are a much happier family because I was able to look at myself and realise where I was going wrong rather than point the finger at them the whole time

Eldest son starts college on Monday - he is 20, up to now he's wanted to do nothing but go to jail and generally waste his life, you have no idea how hard its been for him to wake up and want more for himself than that, but he did it and I am so proud of him for wanting to change things - it took guts for him to admit his failings as it did me.

I hope you can gain something from this, really, trying to control him is not going to work, encouraging him to want to control his own destiny could do the trick

I still want to murder them at times, but to date it has been 2 months since I've had the police/neighbours/other irate persons on my doorstep - as opposed to 1 - 2 times daily, I think that kind of tells it's own story

Don't think it's easy, it isn't, it's far from it One thing you have to understand is you are taking on aot here, this kid is reay screwed up and feels he is going to loose 'street cred' if he cleans his act up, its one of the hardest things for a teen to do, but it's achievable, my 13 & 14 year old have done it The informatin and weapons i gave them were stuff like talking about drugs, safe sex, living rough and the dangers, all i could do for them was to give them all the information they needed to help them to make their decisions, the rest was up to them, I guess when i talk of weapons, I really meant tools (Not guns geek) that wasn't aimed at you but the replyee on that! Meaning life skills, tools to help them work out that they do have choices that no one else could make for them, good or bad, their choices would lead to how their lives turned out, thnakfully they're making better and better choices every day as once they got into that pattern, they found they were enjoying life at home and outside. The recent developments are a concern, this lad realy is runnign scared, he needs to know he can survive al of this and still turn out as an okay kind of person, he may not be bale to do this by living with you, I'd agree that letting him know you will do whatever it takes to help him is a good idea, but it may mean you helping him find a safe haven away from you, but with the knowledge that you are not going to let anyone hurt him in any way whatever, you're only a phone call away Of course you're worried where he is, but calling the police is going to take him home and then straight into a program, it'll be another reason to send him in that hes caused grief to his parents again, he'll survive, honest, all he needs from you is the knowledge that he can pick up the phone and you'll help.....pease let us know how you get on Exhausted (Unable to log in & blinded by thse nightmare codes)

[psy]

Here's my crackpot theory:

Pressure from parents provokes resistance to pressure (and all pressure) from kids...
Parents say white, kids say black...
Letting them choose... letting them follow example (monkey see, monkey do) will often result, but not always, in a reflection of you.
But forcing them to do something, even if it's "suceed" will make them instinctively want to do the opposite, to seperate, to be independant, to leave the nest...  So...  They see self destruction as a way of seperating...  Pushing away, because you hold them too close.

but that's my two sleep deprived cents.

toodles

[exhausted]

Thanks Vern

I did need reminding, it's always so clear when there's nothing going on, but easy to lose grip when something has happened.

I spoke with my son this morning and he decided it was pretty crap to drink and he didn't really enjoy it, he wanted to join in with his friends, I thought that was a really honest and mature thing to say to his mother and told him so ... when he went to go out tonight about 8.30pm, I just said 'be good, be safe' as I always do, then I whispered to him 'try your hardest not to be a jerk to yourself' he seemed quite surprised that i didn't ask him not to do anything for my sake but for his

Anyway he came in about an hour later, saying his mates were being stupid so he was staying in - I'm really proud of him for making that stance, it was his decision, he used the tools and skills he has learnt.
He even got in the shower and decided to have a relatively early night, he was competely clean of pot or alcohol - yey!

Until the next time, and I know there will be one, I'm not that stupid!!

BTW, I haven't logged in as a Guest at all, i always put my name in if I can't log in.

[exhausted]

Forgot to add

Here are the rules on cannabis in the UK
http://www.cps.gov.uk/London/advice_for ... secutions/

although for me it's not about prosecution, the whole skunk weed thing scares the shit out of me (scroll down a wee bit for the mental health problems with teen and cannabis smoking)
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthin ... ealth.aspx

[Anonymous]

Guys and gals, I need your advice ...

Things are still going really well at home, the boys are still out of trouble and I've not had any complaints or police knocking at the door, however .....

I was out in the garden today and I found a homemade bong hidden behind a pot plant - I know it's not the 19 year olds as he is really anti pot, he's had some very bad experiences from when he snmoked it as a young teen and is still suffering to this day, he has spoken to his younger brothers about this and went completely beserk about it when I found the bong, although understands that going mad at them is not a good idea.

I'm really freaked out by it as I'm 99% sure its my 14 year old, I have armed the younger two with every bit of information on what could happen through smoking it later on in their lives, they know pretty much everything, they also know that weed pretty much led to my own brother's very early death - the thing is, we had this episode some time back and I really thought they understood how it could ruin their lives later on, we have an obvious genetic mental instability problem in the family and I am extremely worried for them, all of the boys who have smoked weed in any shape or form have ended up very ill mentally & as I've said, my brother ended up dead.

What do I do? How do I approach this? Smoking out of a bong at their ages is a bit heavy dontcha think? I did talk with my 14 year old a couple fo weeks back as I knew he was stoned but he is denying it, although he knows I am well aware - I don't want to lose my grip and flip out on him through fear, I know that is not the way to go about it, so what is?

Early last summer I found my younger son's bong and I took it to him in his room. "Did you make this?" I said. He nodded, expecting to get in trouble, but I just said, "what have you done forme lately?" I set it down and left. I was hurt, but I didn't go into it. The next morning he and his older brother left early and came back with two huge metal drums and a lot of pipes and tubes and gutter parts. I just smiled and kept on working in the kitchen. By the afternoon they had rigged up a completely ingenious system. They put one drum by the house and the other by the garage and then rerouted the gutters so all of the run-off went into the drums. They ran pipes from each drum to double faucets to run water to "leaky" hoses which they laid out in the garden, with the second faucet for extra hoses and filling up watering cans. They came in sweaty and tired, but proud, and after they cleaned up we had dinner together for the first time in months.

After their dad died in Iraq a few years ago, we were all having a hard time. Their dad had been a strict disciplinarian with them and had tolerated no rule breaking, and he was very "establishment". I felt lost as a single mother, and tried to keep enforcing their dad's rules, especially when the boys started getting in trouble a lot at school. We were fighting almost every night and never ate together anymore. If I grounded them they spent all of their time in their rooms. Finally I decided we were all miserable and I just couldn't stand to fight with them anymore. So I went to the other extreme and started ignoring everything. I went to work and came home and cleaned the kitchen up after their mess and made dinner. The boys ate in their rooms. I returned calls to the school when they got in trouble, yet again, but I never said anything about it at home. I hinted to them about things around the house that needed fixing, but they mumbled and went out with their friends. I think the day I found the bong was a turning point for my son. I think he realized that I was as unhappy as he was, and really not interested in being his adversary. I think we all finally realized that we were still part of a family, even with their father and my husband gone. They realized that the discipline had to come from them, from their own choices.

After dinner I said to them, "I had no idea you boys were so clever! How did you come up with all of that?" I think he was caught up in the good mood when my older son explained to me that he liked to smoke weed and draw plans for things. Well that peaked my curiousity as I had never tried marijuana before. I wanted to see for myself what my sons were into. I got them to bring the bong out, and I got "high" for the first time. The funny thing was, we started talking about their father, we started reminiscing and telling stories about things he did, good memories. It was like the weed opened the floodgates and we started flowing as a family again after that.

Even funnier, I confess I got really into smoking weed, and they had to tell me I was smoking too much. I kept losing garden tools and forgetting to give them phone messages. My son's words to me were "Mom, you're supposed to do it in moderation, otherwise you end up like Cheech and Chong." For awhile I ignored the advice, but when their friends started calling me "Mrs. Chong" I thought I'd better clean up before all their parents heard about it and I got into trouble myself. But one of their friends said to me, "don't worry, Mrs. Chong, we keep things on the down low, otherwise our parents wouldn't let us come over here. It's all cool. When you act funny at the grocery store, we just say it's because your husband is gone. That way our parents think it's real nice for us to spend a lot of time at your house."

"Cool," I said, "real cool."

[Antigen]

although for me it's not about prosecution, the whole skunk weed thing scares the shit out of me (scroll down a wee bit for the mental health problems with teen and cannabis smoking)
Link






And I must admit some petty, juvenile satisfaction over American researchers busting the Guardian's chops on propriety and level thinking.  ::roflmao::

Seriously, though, it's just that we over here have been living it a whole lot harder than you guys over there. I knew it was coming, though, soon as Prince Harry got shipped off for getting busted w/ a bit of the kind. Remember that Di once attended an open meeting at Straight as a guest of Nancy Reagan. You could do worse than to pay close attention to our recent history cause they're pulling the same tap dance on you now.

[Oz girl]

I found that 1st article interesting. i would imagine that any kind of mind altering substance including alcohol used really frequently does not really do someone with a mental illness very good. I once read a similar article here put out by the AMA which said the jury was still out. Its basic argument was that it was unclear whether mentally ill people used dope to excess in order to feel better or the use of dope highlighted the illness. i cant find the link tho.
Did they actually send harry to rehab? i thought it was just a PR exercise?

[exhausted]

Guest you're an anel - I am incredibly houseproud but, I have gone on strike, I'm in my 3rd day now ... it's not stinky enough for anyone to objext yet, even though the boys' room smells like a bad case of stilton - they'll tire of it eventually!

I appreciate the links Antigen's Ghost - but I have to stick to my convictions on this, I did lose a brother through it, it was he, who told me what started the whole thing off and he was absolutely convinced it was the weed that did it (he knew he was dying) my eldest, who would never admit he's made a mistake, has also told me and his brothers that weed has made him incredibly ill - the article I posted sums his problems up perfectly ... it's been about 6 months now and it is gradually lessening, but he's still quite ill.
The 14 yr old is always extremely aggressive when he's smoked - without a shadow of a doubt, when i asked my GP why it wasn't chilling him out, he said it can have the opposite effect and to just watch him carefully but not to worry too much as it's probably a phase

My 14 year old just came in for dinner and he is clean again so far this evening, i hope he has really had a shock through this and just doesn't want to know anymore.

You've all been really great about this, it's been interesting reading everyone's views and I am encouraged not to panic too much over it, on the outside that is, I can't help how I feel on the inside, i'm trying to tell myself it's ok and most teens do this at some stage. Thankyou for your support on this  :wink:

[Anonymous]

Early last summer I found my younger son's bong and I took it to him in his room. "Did you make this?" I said. He nodded, expecting to get in trouble, but I just said, "what have you done forme lately?" I set it down and left. I was hurt, but I didn't go into it. The next morning he and his older brother left early and came back with two huge metal drums and a lot of pipes and tubes and gutter parts. I just smiled and kept on working in the kitchen. By the afternoon they had rigged up a completely ingenious system. They put one drum by the house and the other by the garage and then rerouted the gutters so all of the run-off went into the drums. They ran pipes from each drum to double faucets to run water to "leaky" hoses which they laid out in the garden, with the second faucet for extra hoses and filling up watering cans. They came in sweaty and tired, but proud, and after they cleaned up we had dinner together for the first time in months.

After their dad died in Iraq a few years ago, we were all having a hard time. Their dad had been a strict disciplinarian with them and had tolerated no rule breaking, and he was very "establishment". I felt lost as a single mother, and tried to keep enforcing their dad's rules, especially when the boys started getting in trouble a lot at school. We were fighting almost every night and never ate together anymore. If I grounded them they spent all of their time in their rooms. Finally I decided we were all miserable and I just couldn't stand to fight with them anymore. So I went to the other extreme and started ignoring everything. I went to work and came home and cleaned the kitchen up after their mess and made dinner. The boys ate in their rooms. I returned calls to the school when they got in trouble, yet again, but I never said anything about it at home. I hinted to them about things around the house that needed fixing, but they mumbled and went out with their friends. I think the day I found the bong was a turning point for my son. I think he realized that I was as unhappy as he was, and really not interested in being his adversary. I think we all finally realized that we were still part of a family, even with their father and my husband gone. They realized that the discipline had to come from them, from their own choices.

After dinner I said to them, "I had no idea you boys were so clever! How did you come up with all of that?" I think he was caught up in the good mood when my older son explained to me that he liked to smoke weed and draw plans for things. Well that peaked my curiousity as I had never tried marijuana before. I wanted to see for myself what my sons were into. I got them to bring the bong out, and I got "high" for the first time. The funny thing was, we started talking about their father, we started reminiscing and telling stories about things he did, good memories. It was like the weed opened the floodgates and we started flowing as a family again after that.

Even funnier, I confess I got really into smoking weed, and they had to tell me I was smoking too much. I kept losing garden tools and forgetting to give them phone messages. My son's words to me were "Mom, you're supposed to do it in moderation, otherwise you end up like Cheech and Chong." For awhile I ignored the advice, but when their friends started calling me "Mrs. Chong" I thought I'd better clean up before all their parents heard about it and I got into trouble myself. But one of their friends said to me, "don't worry, Mrs. Chong, we keep things on the down low, otherwise our parents wouldn't let us come over here. It's all cool. When you act funny at the grocery store, we just say it's because your husband is gone. That way our parents think it's real nice for us to spend a lot of time at your house."

"Cool," I said, "real cool."

Beautiful!  ::rose::

[exhausted]

A quick update

I forgot to say that I put the bong back where I found it, but not hidden, it's just .....well there

My 14 yr old said he'd throw it away didn't he, but it hasn't been touched, it's still sitting in the same place, unused, what do you make of that? Is he hanging onto it just in case, has he forgotten about it already, or what?  :-?

[Anonymous]

I read an article that said there's never been a death related to smoking marijuana, so what gives?

a 14 year old with a bong, hiding it from his mom? sounds normal to me.

[exhausted]

He's not hiding it Guest, that's just it, I found it, he didn't deny and then decided it was crap anyway (smoking weed that is)

I just can't work out why the bong is still there  :question:

Maybe I'll have to ask him, he seems okay talking to me about it now

[Dr Fucktard]

My 14 yr old said he'd throw it away didn't he, but it hasn't been touched, it's still sitting in the same place, unused, what do you make of that? Is he hanging onto it just in case, has he forgotten about it already, or what?

He's more than likely hanging on to his drug paraphenalia for a reason -- for his next high. You see, marijuana addiction can be quite difficult to overcome. Not only that, if you wait too long he will probably start trying other drugs; it's almost inevitable, as pot is a gateway drug (despite what all the naysayers may tell you).

Tell you what, peruse our website a little and consider bringing him in for a free consultation. If you prefer to have some escorts handle it go ahead and make the arrangements, but you could just tell him that you want to take him on a family vacation or something like that. Be sure to pack some extra clothes just in case we should decide that he needs treatment.... I look forward to hearing from you!

Sincerely,

Dr. Fucktard

[exhausted]

My 14 yr old said he'd throw it away didn't he, but it hasn't been touched, it's still sitting in the same place, unused, what do you make of that? Is he hanging onto it just in case, has he forgotten about it already, or what?

He's more than likely hanging on to his drug paraphenalia for a reason -- for his next high. You see, marijuana addiction can be quite difficult to overcome. Not only that, if you wait too long he will probably start trying other drugs; it's almost inevitable, as pot is a gateway drug (despite what all the naysayers may tell you).

Tell you what, peruse our website a little and consider bringing him in for a free consultation. If you prefer to have some escorts handle it go ahead and make the arrangements, but you could just tell him that you want to take him on a family vacation or something like that. Be sure to pack some extra clothes just in case we should decide that he needs treatment.... I look forward to hearing from you!

Sincerely,

Dr. Fucktard

No