Moving Forward

[ehm]

Yesterday I received my second 6 (yes six) page letter of blaming, explanations and denial in the past 2 months, from my mother.  It figures that she would try to use her knowledge of what Straight did to others to her advantage. My mom has said the words  ?you?re a liar,? and ?I hate you? to me for the last time. Finding these boards 2 months ago prompted me to share the information with her. Not because I even think she?s capable of an apology,  but just for her to read. My issues with her are not about Straight alone. For me, Straight was the last straw. At 15, I was ready to accept the fact that I never had parents. I have not been speaking to my mother on and off for 13 years.

 This is finally okay with me, but has taken so long to accept. After she ignored her responsibility as my mother for the first 12 years of my life, by 13, I hated her. That?s right. Hate is a strong word,  but that?s the only way I can feel about that self-absorbed, disgusting , fake, plastic surgery infested, mean, neglectful, scotch drinking, pill popping, bleach blonde, breast implanted,  hypocritical, repulsive, leather and sequins, high heeled, to much make-up wearing, to much Giorgio spraying, sad, pathetic sorry excuse for a mother/human being. Does anybody else have one of these?
 
Her letter goes on to explain how after my dad died she did everything she could to better herself, (got an on-line degree) and then took the Texas State Board of Alcohol and Drug Abuse examination, becoming a ?certified? drug and alcohol abuse counselor! Whoopaddeedoo!!! Then goes on to brag about her ?private practice?( rented a space, and called herself a professional) when she has no more than  a social working degree. All of this, after I went to Salemanship Club camp for girls, a ?boot-camp? for 18 months, 6 months after my father died. How you can ship away a 13 year old right after they lose one of their parents is beyond me.
 
Then, she reminds me of the embarrassment of my step-dad?s funeral (yes my step dad died of cancer) when having to face the fact that  my step dad?s son, who was 12 years older than me, and I was 13-14, had been raping me ever since they met to his family after he died, and that because of this, they would have no association with her again. I guess it would have been better for her if that was just kept our little secret.  Thank you mother? That?s when she desperately sought help for me by placing me in Straight!

Her concluding statements were, ?The purpose of this letter is to confront you with true and factual information. Not to arouse your wrath, defensiveness, or ?knee-jerk? reaction?and in the same breath,? ?I cannot emphasize enough that the purpose of this letter is not to start an argument with you, but to support you in strengthening yourself in the areas that would best serve you.? (IN ALL CAPS)

Well, she did help me in just that. Thanks to her, I can confidently say, ?You do not exist to me anymore.? And love my life anyway, knowing that looking for love from her is like fishing in a stagnate pond, full of poisonous snakes.  She?ll never know the difference.

I will forgive her in time, but never compromise my personal growth for her again.

Thanks to all I have spoken to personally, for your wisdom and understanding.

Morli

[Anonymous]

Hi Morli-

I know EXACTLY how you feel.  I have been going back and forth with my mother for YEARS, ever since Straight.  Straight is not the only issue I had with her either.  Looking back, I now see my mother is OBVIOUSLY bipolar.  Anyway, we were on and off again as far as speaking terms for years.  I guess even tho i knew she was full of hatred, and she would never so much as give an apology for picking such a shitty place to stuck her kid.. in the back of my mind I thought "but they ARE my parents."  Last September, as usual, we fell out.  This time, I wrote her a letter and said EVERYTHING i had ever wanted to say to her.  At the end, I told her while i hoped one day she would get the help she so obviously needed and i wished them well, that if they contacted me again in any way (letter, ohone or otherwise) i would file harrassment charges against her.  I also decided if she tried to write back i would just mark the mail "REFUSED, RETURN TO SENDER."

It has taken until now, but I am much happier this way.  I have had to accept the fact "parents" - at least good ones, make mistakes yes.. but healthy people do not act the way my mother and father do.  I have let go of the anger, that took YEARS.  I had to accept some people are not well in the head, some are just assholes, some a combination.  All i can do is be a better parent to my own children, if nothing else, she taught me what NOT to do as a parent!

With all that said, I know it is hard.  Be strong and don't let her have any more free rent in your mind! :0)

thea

[A.Nonimus]

Has anyone read the book   -
Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life ?

[85 Day Jerk]

My mother brought me to the program on her freaking birthday.  Talk about sending a message!
I am sure that she was in the middle of a manic high when she did it.  I was just glad to be away from her at the time, because she was driving me nuts.  I also had the false notion that I would end up living with my father and everything would be hunky dory.  As George Forman said when they stopped the fight, "I was robbed!"

Now 23 years later, my mom is a burned out husk of her former self.  I still keep in touch, but it has become harder and harder to deal with her depression over the years.  She wasted years going to A.A. meetings when alchohol was just her treating the symptoms of her own bipolar disorder which has gone untreated her whole life.  I am happy to say that she is seeing a counselor and dealing with her own past in her own way.  My two youngest half sisters treat her like crap and all but exclude me from their lives.  It used to bother me, but I feel that it is simply their loss now.  

As for my father, I recently began to e-mail him and that is the only way we communicate for now.  I am just not ready to hear the sound of his voice right now, I feel the anger would rise up in me and overtake any rational thinking.  I am not really angry at him for anything he did to me directly, I am just extremely dissappointed in many of the decisions that he made a long time ago.  He decided to devote himself to a cold and thoughtless wife who percieved me as a threat to her security.  Both her sons screwed up and were back on drugs within 9 months of leaving the program. (She was the proverbial wicked stepmother
and I was Cinderella in that house) My dad was spineless out of fear of losing her.  Plus, he could have never afforded to divorce her.  When I
had the "audacity" to have a nervous breakdown at
the age of 19, I was kicked out of the house and forced to sleep in my car.  I was even enlisted to join the Army in 2 months.  My grandfather went looking for me for 3 weeks and found me camped out behind a concrete block plant that had been shut down.  They still had running water and the bathrooms were left unlocked.  He was pretty pissed off at my dad, and he took me in and I stayed in his garage until my induction date.  He basically took over the role of my dad from that point on.  I was drummed out on a section 8 at the velhement protests of my Sr. Drill Instructor
with only 6 days left to graduate a 14 week AIT course in Armor Training at Ft. Knox KY.  The army did not want to bother finding a suitable role for me with over 18 million unemployed at the time.  When I got out, I moved one street over from my granddad and would come over and visit and watch t.v. with him and gramma like nothing had happened.

I guess it could be easy for anyone reading this to say that I should be over this all by now, but there are some things that you just cannot walk away from.  I have given up my hate that I used to wear like a suit of armor everywhere I went and I am even ready to go up and visit my dad. In
closing, all I can say is this...........YOU CAN PICK YOUR NOSE, BUT YOU CANNOT PICK YOUR RELATIVES