OMG, thanks for sharing. I feel like I can totally relate to that, and a lot like I have been thinking about working my program and how I really feel about that. I feel like I don't want to. I feel rebellious, like, I don't know. I don't know, I feel scared. But I know that if I just work my program, and it can be as simple as just praying, or working my steps, I'M going to feel better at the end of the day, and that's what it's all about. Because, like, in my past, I remember this one time when I knew it, I felt like "I shouldn't be doing this", I felt so guilty and horrible, here I was like so far away from my folks and what they had been trying all their lives to give me, and that was just them being parents. And I was so ungrateful, I was such a sick and ungrateful low life druggie that my actions caused me to mess up and pretty much did take me to jails, institutions, and I could have died. Like five times I could have died. Like their was this one time I almost DID die, but I was so fucked up, and my druggie friends, who really didn't care if my ass died or not - all they cared about was getting high - were so, like, they weren't even watching, and I was like walking out on the ice, I was so high I thought I was three feet tall, even though I'm five-five, and I'm NOT a little guy, I was walking out on the ice, and like, when it started cracking you could hear it cracking like shots, but my druggie friends, they were so drunk and high and just messed up in their disease of selfishness, they had no idea I was out on the ice and it was starting to crack! I was like, fuck, is this it man? Am I going to die? ANd I puked up like seven beers and I was thinking to myself, god just don't let me die. I really don't want to die puking or drowning in freezing water. I wasn't as big then as I am now, but I was pushing 450 at that time, so you know, the ice was not where I should be, but in my own fucked up druggie mind I had a reason for being there. But I just ended up praying to God, and then I sat down and gave it up to him. I just lied down and the ice stopped cracking. Then this one girl skidded a pack of cigs across, like I was like fifty feet from the banks. Then everybody saw me and people started gettin up and like walking on the ice but luckily this one girl started screaming that everyone was going to die and I think that kind of bummed everyone's mellow out. But they skidded stuff across the ice to me all night, like pipes of marijuana, injectables, beers, the rest of the nachos and stuff. The temperature dropped and the ice froze better so by first light I could get up and go. Then it turned out I was frozen in my snowsuit onto the lake, so I had to take it off. I had like a t-shirt and pants but I never really got cold. Everyone was pretty much passed out or else puking at the edge of the party. THat was one time that I am grateful I didn't end up dying, and I thank my higher power. Like, I just shared, and that is working the steps, and I really do feel better. I feel like I have been given these tools to have a better life. I've been making all these changes, and I'm going to the lake again, a different lake. I have a permission for this weekend, and I am going to go to a lake, but this time I am going to be sober. I just needed to stop and take a look at myself and where I was heading to, and I am so grateful to my parents - I never thought I would be the guy saying this - for caring about me enough to want me to get better.
