Author Topic: I get to get my first colonoscopy next month  (Read 2472 times)

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Offline Ft. Lauderdale

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I get to get my first colonoscopy next month
« on: May 08, 2006, 08:59:00 AM »
I wanted to post a little humor

Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.....  

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his (predominately male) patients while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!  
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay. "
 And the best one of all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here?"

 :grin:
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline GregFL

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I get to get my first colonoscopy next month
« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2006, 09:13:00 AM »
hehe.  

Just be sure next time they check your prostate the doctor only has ONE hand on your shoulder...
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Anonymous

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I get to get my first colonoscopy next month
« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2006, 09:48:00 PM »
When I went to get mine, I told my employer I was going to get a fiber optic installed at my old address.  

One nice thing about it, they give you tons of intraveneous vallium, which almost makes it worthwhile.  (For the rest of the day you can't drive, operate machinery or sign contracts.)
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Anonymous

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I get to get my first colonoscopy next month
« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2006, 06:14:00 PM »
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Butt_plug
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline GregFL

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I get to get my first colonoscopy next month
« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2006, 09:13:00 AM »
Hey Ft Lauderdale, you can practice the grimace beforehand that will inevitably come across your face during the colonoscopy.

 Just copy the expression on the face of the "bottom" cowboy on Brokeback mountain.  Video available now at blockbuster.


Glad to help you out!

 :lol:  :lol:
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Offline Anonymous

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I get to get my first colonoscopy next month
« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2006, 09:47:00 AM »
I wish I could quit that colonoscopy ...
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Ft. Lauderdale

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I get to get my first colonoscopy next month
« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2006, 10:23:00 AM »
:nworthy:  :nworthy:  :nworthy:
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Offline Anonymous

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I get to get my first colonoscopy next month
« Reply #7 on: May 10, 2006, 03:31:00 PM »
Quote
On 2006-05-10 06:47:00, Anonymous wrote:

"I wish I could quit that colonoscopy ..."


Is this a Broke Back Mountain reference?
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Anonymous

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I get to get my first colonoscopy next month
« Reply #8 on: May 10, 2006, 04:09:00 PM »
yep er.
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Offline Anonymous

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I get to get my first colonoscopy next month
« Reply #9 on: May 10, 2006, 06:14:00 PM »
Either get constipated, or
get diarreah!

Anyone have proven remdies?
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Offline Anonymous

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« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline GregFL

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I get to get my first colonoscopy next month
« Reply #11 on: May 10, 2006, 11:50:00 PM »
I guess it has come to this. Warning, this story will offend someone.



Two guys go to the medical clinic for their annual checkup.  Nurse comes in and says "new regulations..we gotta get a semen sample."

Both guys get a little uneasy.  Soon their fears are appeased as a georgous buxom young nurse comes in, sensually pulls the pants down off the first guy, and starts giving him the best blow job of his life.  At the very last minute she skillfully yanks his member away and fills the plastic cup.  As she sashays out of the room, she turns and winks. Guy # 1 is exhausted and smiling from ear to ear.

Guy #2 gets so excited he can't stand it.  Soon the door opens and an overweight 200 pound butch 60  year old grumpy nurse walks in.  In a manly way she yanks his pants down, rams her finger in his ass with no lube and pokes and prods until he lets out a yelp. Just then she holds a microscope slide out and a painfull drop of fluid slips out just  as our guy slips from conscious from the pain.  The nurse leaves him in a heap and frumps out of the office.

Guy # 2 gains his composure and says "what the hell was that, you got the most sensuous blowjob known to man, and I got painfully finger raped by a pyscho butch dyke.  I want an explanation, and I want it now".

Guy # 1 kicks back and smugly says "my friend, it is simple.  This is the difference between my BCBS healthplan, and that piece of shit HMO you signed up for."
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »

Offline Ft. Lauderdale

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I get to get my first colonoscopy next month
« Reply #12 on: May 11, 2006, 09:40:00 AM »
Ok here's a good one.
There once was a farmer who had a few chickens. For financial reasons, the
farmer wanted to increase the egg production from his chickens and go into
business. And so, the farmer set out to buy a rooster. He drove across the
county to another farm that had many chickens and roosters.
The first farmer asks, "I'd like to buy a rooster."
The second farmer says, "No problem. What's he for?"
The first farmer says, "I want a rooster so that my chickens can have more
chickens and lay more eggs."
The second farmer points to a rooster, "Okay. Take Brewster over there...
he'll do all your chickens for you." The rooster he pointed out was lying on
his back and breathing heavily.
The first farmer exclaims, "What? You've got to be kidding. That rooster is
practically dead! He's breathing like there's no tomorrow."
The second farmer says, "Don't worry, he'll do fine. I guarantee he'll do
all your chickens and you'll end up with more eggs than you could ever
imagine."
Well, the first farmer thinks about it, and finally agrees, "Okay. A
guarantee is a guarantee. Sold." He scoops up Brewster and lays him in the
back of his truck.
As soon as the farmer pulls into his yard, Brewster leaps out of the truck
and grabs a chicken. After he's done with one, he does another, and
another...
The farmer says, "Take it easy Brewster! You're going to hurt yourself!"
Brewster just waves, grabs another chicken, and nails that one too. He
proceeds to do all the chickens just as the other farmer had promised. When
he finishes the chickens, he runs after the dog, and does him too.
The farmer is starting to get a little worried.
Brewster then does the cat, the horse, and all the other farm animals too.
He then starts chasing after the farmer's wife!
Some time passes and the farmer can't find Brewster anywhere. He looks
everywhere and eventually finds the poor rooster on his back, motionless,
with a flock of vultures circling overhead.
The farmer cries out to himself, "Oh no! I told him to be careful! Now look
what's happened."
Brewster opens one eye and whispers, "Shhh! They're about to land."   :grin:
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Offline Anonymous

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« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by Guest »