Pacifiers and security blankets
March, 2005 by Michael K. Meyerhoff Ed.D.
Executive Director
The Epicenter Inc.
"The Education for Parenthood Information Center"
Many years ago, while my sister was recovering from surgery, I moved
in with her family for a couple of weeks so I could look after her
young children. One day, after dropping off the two boys at their
preschool, I took the 18-month-old girl for a ride around town.
Once we finished errands we drove over to the local library where
they had a "Moms and Tots Drop-In Center." I placed little Anna on
the floor and watched as she quickly became engrossed in the many
toys they had available. I then sat down in a comfortable chair and
began perusing the parenting books and magazines displayed on a
nearby table.
A few minutes later, the woman supervising the program, whose
picture could have been placed next to the definition
of "grandmother" in the dictionary, walked over to Anna, yanked the
pacifier out of her mouth, and said, "You tell your Daddy that you
don't need this anymore!" She turned to me, shoved the pacifier into
my hand, and gave me a look that was filled with as much disgust and
disdain as her soft, round face could muster.
I resisted the urge to tell her that if she ever again laid a hand
on the child without permission, she would be pulling back a bloody
stump. Instead, I calmly placed the pacifier back in Anna's mouth
and explained, "She might not need it any more, but her mother does."
This story illustrates the two key concerns parents have about their
child's use of a pacifier, security blanket, or other such item. At
what age does the child's attachment to the object become
inappropriate? And why does the child become attached to the object
in the first place?
Let's start with the second question. The answer is simple.
Pacifiers, security blankets, and other such items are stress
reducers. It feels good to suck on the rubber nipple, to rub the
soft material across one's cheek, etc., and that good feeling has a
wonderfully calming effect. Of course, that spawns a side question.
Why does a young child need a stress reducer?
The fact of the matter is that we all need stress reducers in our
lives. We tend to think of stress in terms of major problems, such
as being under a tight deadline at work, going through a messy
divorce, being diagnosed with a serious illness, etc. But life is
filled with all sorts of small stress-inducing events and
requirements that add up over the course of the day.
Consequently, we all find ways to soothe ourselves. We may find a
quiet place to meditate, go for a workout at the gym, imbibe a
martini, sneak outside for a cigarette, or pay a visit to our
therapist. And at the end of the day, when we need to relax so we
can fall asleep, we may watch an entertaining television show, read
an interesting book, or spend quality time with our significant
other.
Although we tend to envy young children for their "worry-free"
lives, that envy may be misplaced. When you are small, the world can
be rather intimidating. And when your physical and mental abilities
are not fully developed, it is hard to deal with all the easy-for-
adults challenges that you are faced with on a daily basis. As a
result, while young children don't have to worry about appeasing the
boss or paying the mortgage, they do suffer their fair share of
stress.
However, their options for reducing stress are not particularly
numerous. Since the aforementioned outlets are not available to
them, they are relegated to sucking on a pacifier, rubbing a blanket
across their cheeks, hugging a stuffed animal, or perhaps engaging
in masturbation.
Which brings us to the issue of appropriateness. Not all outlets are
considered appropriate, and some can even be unhealthy in the long
run. For example, there is no doubt that alcohol and tobacco do the
stress-reducing trick, but they also can cause a lot of collateral
damage. And public sexual activity, whether masturbatory or
participatory, tends to be frowned upon.
While pediatric dentists may have concerns about excessive thumb or
pacifier sucking, most of the outlets chosen by young children tend
to be reasonably harmless. But are they appropriate? I think most
parents and bystanders are alarmed and/or embarrassed by a little
one rubbing private parts in public. However, when it comes to
pacifiers and security blankets, I don't think there are any
universal standards, and the tolerance levels of individuals can
vary widely.
Most mothers and fathers tend to be pretty tolerant. particularly if
they are busy and stressed themselves. It is much easier to put up
with the pacifier or security blanket than to deal with a stressed-
out kid. Usually, parents become inclined to do something only when
the disgusted gazes and disdainful comments of relatives, friends,
and perfect strangers become impossible to avoid and start to make
them doubt their performance as parents.
Regrettably, this often results in quick and drastic action
involving criticism of the child and/or forced removal of the
pacifier or security blanket. The child's attachment to the item
then becomes a major "issue" and the source of continuous power
struggles. This is not simply unpleasant, it is also unproductive as
it generates considerably more stress for everyone.
Therefore, while it may be difficult to put up with the withering
stares and searing statements, it is wise for parents to relax and
be patient. Of course, they should consider taking steps to help
reduce their child's stress levels themselves. Instead of working
overtime to ensure that college tuition money will be in the bank,
perhaps a little more time with their little one at this time might
be a better investment. And instead of spending hours on the
Internet planning a future family vacation, perhaps giving the
little one a little more immediate attention might be more
beneficial.
But parents can not and should not expect that they will be able to
eliminate their child's stress entirely. What they can and should do
is wait for the child to reach developmental levels where other
stress-reducing alternatives become possible, and then encourage the
child to pursue those. Keep in mind that things as simple as
acknowledging your feelings and talking about them, getting some
exercise by riding your bike around the block, reading a fascinating
story, or even creating a delightful daydream, is largely beyond the
capacity of a two or three-year-old.
Now once these outlets do become developmentally available, there is
no guarantee a child will take advantage of them. And some kids
remain steadfastly addicted to "infantile" activities throughout the
preschool years. Again, this may be difficult to endure, but being
too forceful typically does nothing more than make matters worse. So
again, parents need to be a bit more patient and wait for another
round of developmental progress.
Preschoolers are extremely egocentric. They are largely oblivious to
and unconcerned about the attitudes and opinions of their peers. As
they emerge from this period, things change, and they become aware
of and sensitive to what other kids are thinking and saying about
them. Therefore, at this point, attachment to their pacifier or
security blanket may no longer be quite so attractive as it now
generates more stress than it reduces. Consequently, they become
considerably more inspired and inclined to seek out mid accept other
more socially acceptable alternatives.
Listening to the tongue-clucking of your mother-in-law may be
annoying at best and possibly despair and self-doubt-inducing at
worst. On the other hand, noticing that there are no kids sucking
pacifiers on the elementary school bus and that security blankets
are rarely seen at sleep overs or summer camp should give you the
courage and confidence to go easy on your child and yourself and let
your child's development solve the problem in proper fashion and in
due time.
Michael K. Meyerhoff, Ed.D., is executive director of The Epicenter
Inc., "The Education for Parenthood Information Center," a family
advisory and advocacy agency located in Lindenhurst, Illinois. His e-
mail address is
epicntrinc@aol.com.
