On 2006-03-22 21:12:00, Anonymous wrote:
"
< My friends with teenage kids think you Program Parents are walking nightmares.
Julie"
Have the sons of your friends beaten their mothers or young daughters while they were hopped up on whatever drug they could get their hands on? Until you've been there, it's hard to say what you would do. A walking nightmare did that in our home. It was our son. Imagine how you would feel if Katie had an older brother and beat you both bloody. It changes lives and perspectives."
You assume you're the only ones with problems and everybody who doesn't think like you must have and must have always had life experiences that were peachy fuzzy keen.
I've survived domestic abuse--abusive boyfriend. He was a real psycho.
What you do when you have a kid that beats you is you call the police and press charges.
They don't go to a private juvie jail, they go to the real one. They experience real life. Real life teaches.
Kids have more rights in real juvie jail than in private prison, but they can't kid themselves that they're just somewhere their parents sent them.
I've always said that some kids are criminal and should go to real juvie jail, some kids are severely, dangerously, mentally ill and need to be emergency hospitalized before outpatient treatment, some kids are addicted and need rehab.
Beating family is criminal. It doesn't matter whether he was high or not, the beating is the thing.
There are only two reasons to pay and arm and a leg for private jail if your kid is violently criminal. Either you think real juvie jail is too soft, or you think it's too harsh. Either you're setting yourself up as a wrathful God to punish your kid's crime more severely than the system would, or you're trying to rescue him again/still---or you're all mixed up and it's a scrambled up bit of both.
If your kid commits a serious crime, like battering family members, you don't get between the kid and the system. Battering family members I wouldn't hire the kid an attorney, but would expect the court to appoint one. For anything external, I'd hire the kid an attorney---but only since/if my being able to afford one might keep the kid from having a public defender appointed by the court. Real life is that every accused is entitled to competent legal representation.
(In real life, outside of Hollywood, lawyers for guilty clients intercede with the system to make sure the punishment the guilty client gets is just and appropriate. Sometimes the system screws up, but far more often it approximately works--as well as anything could.)
"Tough love" exit plans aren't avoiding rescuing, they're adding imposed consequences on top of natural ones and evading genuine personal responsibilities that are real even if they aren't on the law books.
However, there is real rescuing and over-punitive behavior out there. Sending a kid to a private prison instead of letting them take the natural consequences at the real one is motivated by rescuing, over-punitiveness, or a dysfunctional mix of both.
Some people come out of juvie or other jail the same as they went in--criminal. Others come out and decide they really don't want to do stuff to go back.
Recidivism rates aren't that high because juvie jail "doesn't work." Recidivism rates are that high because most of the kids or adults who get sent to prison are irretrievably broken, and some are not. The only way to find out who is which is to let the system work itself out.
Trying to keep your kid from doing wrong is part of the job.
Getting between your kid and life when he does screw up, before he starts to genuinely change, is usually (not always) a bad idea.
There's a difference between functional supportiveness and the dysfunctional entanglement of martyrdom, over-punitiveness, and rescuing.
Using a Program is prima facie evidence of dysfunctionality. It doesn't *work*. A parent can be rescuing and over-controlling at the same time. One of the hallmarks of dysfunctional families is a weird mix of same.
When their kid commits violent, criminal acts, normal, functional parents let go (beyond providing a competent lawyer if the courts won't appoint one) and let the chips fall.
When domestic battering is going on that leaves clear marks (as beating anyone bloody does), functional people call the police.
I've been abused in a relationship, I know it's not easy, but if you can move yourself to send your kid to private prison, you can move yourself to call the cops and press charges.
*I* didn't call the cops because I couldn't prove anything. I didn't tell my parents because they were in la-la land and would have triggered the psycho to kill me without doing anything effective to prevent it. I got myself out of the situation the first moment I could do so without getting murdered.
In a number of ways, my parents weren't grown ups and I had to be the grown up for myself as a teen. They were human and fallible, but in this case their particular foibles would have cost me my life---as it almost did in another way/situation.
They were mostly good parents, but in these cases their human imperfections just happened to create a dangerous situation---more dangerous than staying in the relationship temporarily and biding my time.
As soon as I safely could, I left. When he came to my parents' house after that while I was home for a visit, I could and did call the police to give him a criminal trespass warning. I had changed the situation and that warning would have enabled me to have him prosecuted if he'd violated it--I had taken other steps to protect my life by then.
I was emotionally entangled with this psychotic, violent boy, but as soon as I could I took the necessary steps to stop the abuse anyway.
You had plenty of evidence to call the cops and get him prosecuted and convicted.
If the cops refused to arrest (for drugged up and battering, not a chance), or the DA refused to prosecute the case, then and only then I would have used a private prison.
If you called the cops repeatedly and tried to press charges, then I can't fault you for getting him out of your home whatever legal way you could. In that case, I'd fault your local law enforcement system, not you.
Most parents have *not* gone to those lengths before using a Program.
Julie
