ELAN FACTORY OWNER'S MANUAL:
Chapter 9: Sections 5-8b
"Thank you for your purchase of a J-series Elan-bot equipped with the optional NAILZ performance package! We hope this manual is able to address any servicing and functioning problems or questions you may encounter while operating your J-series Elan-bot.
Due to certain inert complexities in the operating subsystems, elan-bots (re: elan graduates) can develop 32.dll ERRORS, which can lead to coolant overflow and severe bearing damage. While the brainwashing systems in your elan-bot are covered under factory warranty, errors pertaining to the subsystem must be handled by Elan Technical Services in order to keep your elan-bot striving towards positive goals.
Problems occuring in the subsystem typically manifest themselves in the form of your elan-bot;
A) Talking "big" or acting "tough", when in fact, the opposite is true.
B) Discharging fluid or lubricant out of the J-bot's vaginal opening.
C) A severe encapsulation in negativity, typically fostered by an inability to operate on the Fornits Fora.
While all of these behaviors can be disturbing, please remember that these are the warning signs of a serious problem that could cost thousands of dollars to repair later. Usually, several dollops of lubricant can bring the J-bots systems back to normal for long enough to perform the necessary work without requiring a complete shutdown and reprogramming battery. Remember to only use 15W60 lube in the Elan-J-bots, and to replace the factory aluminum ramrod with a lighter, more wear-resistant carbon fibre ramrod.
Although your J-bot is as gentle as a pink baby lamb grazing in a field of fluffy marshmallow cotton candy and gumdrops, it's inhibitor chip may, under extreme conditions, function in reverse; resulsting in cursing, insults, and threatening behavior. Although not dangerous, this rudeness can be mildly intimidating if the elan-bot comes into contact with young children who are easily frightened, pregnant women in the fourth trimester, or the eldery (90+).
Please resist the urge to jam an elan-spec ratchet (Part#AR3175826b) into the eye socket. This will only serve to dampen visual functions and result in severe corneal damage, but will not cease the rude behavior. Elan Technical Service Expert Peter E. Rowe recommends a simple solution: replace the lubricants and the ramrod, and reroute the factory subsystems by replacing them with the coil from a toaster oven. If you cannot find a toaster oven; he recommends several other household appliances, such as hair straighteners/dryers, EZ Bake ovens, electric irons, or R2-series droids.
Almost immediatly, you will again recognize the gentle, submissive, and polite J-series, NAILZ optioned Elan Robot that you originally purchased. We regret any inconvenience this particular model's behaviors may have caused you or your family, and wish you offer you a 10% discount off the purchase of your next new Elan-Robot, or 15% off the pruchase of a certified pre-owned bot. Thank you for your loyalty valued customer."
Peter E. Rowe;
Elan Technical Services
#5 Road, Poland, ME
