Hey Dragonfly :wave:
Yes, fucking with freshly poured concrete. At the age I went in (15) I was clueless. My home was on the beach which was the best playground I could have hoped for. I hadn't formed any opinions or focus on any idealogy/religion/pshycology/etc.
To follow the concrete analogy, the concrete had yet to be poured, although the mix had already begun. Now add unskilled mason wanna be's and trow um a trowel and a long 2x4. After the conrete cures, hardens, it will reflect the skills of the ones that handeled the concrete mix.
I dont see myself at the time, having basic knowledge that I could double-cross myself. I probably had about a nine word vocabulary at the time. (whoa, cool, what a rush, dude, got a light, etc). The words, self deception, or perhaps "Selling Out" were words I had heard but really had no idea of their depth and weight.
But with out having the words to know what I was doing, I also did what ever I could do to "GET OUT". I ran, copped out, whatever it was called later on....but I "SPLIT" as it was called back in the day. I was a "jerk" for a short time (didnt have the tenacity for it), finally I resigned to the idea/notion of having to conform. That was the deepest cut, but it was seen (re-enforced by parents/staff) as the greatest accomplishment. And I could not see and end to the insainity, truely hopeless. I had no street sense and no survival skills, this was also hammered into the forefront of my conciousness, I think as a way to further intimidate and berate me into submission and conformity.
I had to pull off the greatest acting of my life, and sincerity was one of the top ten facets of my...um, character. So yeah I think I understand...took me along time to realize that I had to seriously sit down and seperate the true (perminate) and false (imperminate). So many things were bastardized and twisted...needlessly.
I am seeing alot of sober/straight stories and programs getting thier 15 minutes of fame and I know there is a huge market for these facilities, the parents looking to off thier kids to camp...."you fix um....dont care what ya do....you fix um". I think about the decsion the people make and I KNOW from personal experience of what the outcome could very well be, buy my direct experience and those who had same/similiar experience.
Sorry for the rant, the anniversary of my first intake is rapidly approaching. Every year I recognise the date and the days before it. The day is usually uneventfull...no flowers or cards. I was unaware of this forum last year, so this year seems a lil more intense....guess thats normal.
Thinking a bit more about the "acting" thing...I mentioned that I thought I had the personality that would do well in a monastic setting, more asetic monk...the ones ya find in the deep indian jungles, covered with ash...That might be a bit extreme, but god how I love my home life...got my girl and two maine coon cats. If could just be a mere bit of what they think of me I would consider that my greatest achievement!
Puff Puff Pass
