Disassociation

[Anonymous]

I was in straight for 4.5 YEARS.  The only way to move ahead in the program was to pretend to conform.  I did this with a plan in the beginning just to escape when I turned 18.  When I did escape I was kidnapped and brought back.  I protested and did not conform for over another year.  Eventually I felt I had to repress every true instint and feeling to survive.  Although my true self always remained, I was replaced by a pretend perfect robot of myself always doing what was expected. That technique has continued for the past 20 years and it is still difficult for me to let anyone ever see any anger or non compliance from me. Yet inside I still feel anger.

[Anonymous]

How long were your phases? How long were you on staff?

[Anonymous]

Generally, the deprogramming takes an equal amount of time to how long you were inside ...

For me it took about twice as long.

I sought professional help ... if you're still having these major issues after 20 years, you might want to consider it yourself.  

Not dealing with it really screws up your relationships, jobs, and life in general.  I think people that were in for less than 1 year were able to move on.  Those people that stayed with the program for 3 , 4, or more years were really FUBAR.

[digits]

I was in for less than a year. If cutting, pulling hair out, starving and hitting myself in the head drawing blood was called moving on, I guess one could say I moved on. I wouldn't say that. I would say that I took off from where Straight left off.

A man can sexually molest his daughter in less than an hour. If it never happens again he has still shaped a vital part of her that has forever changed who she is and how she interprets the world. It doesn't take repeated episodes or a longer duration to be necessarily more traumatic.

One could even make the argument that had I been there for 5 years my assimilation would have *taken* "better" and less trauma would have been had...as my reality would have definitely had time to mold and shift within that time frame. I would never purpose to say such a thing however...though, you see, the argument could be made. Therefore, time is irrelevent.

17 years later i am just now beginning to get to the root causes and conditions of what Straight reinforced in me. How long a person was in an abusive situation isn't as important as how the person interpreted the abuse.

[Anonymous]

The reason I asked about phase time and staff time is because 4.5 years is the longest I've ever heard of anyone enduring the program. Therefore, I'm curious about your story. I spent ten months on first phase, and escaped twice, the second time for good. 4.5 years in that environment is something I can't even begin to comprehend.

[Anonymous]

I dont think time has anything to do with how much they screwed up anyones mind. Everything that has been tramatic in my life stays with me. Taking the personality out of someone and replacing it with a program, once its done, its done. We aint computers, we can not be deprogrammed. Someone needs to just come up with a new program!

[Anonymous]

Liar.

[Anonymous]

On 2006-05-30 12:52:00, Anonymous wrote:

 We aint computers, we can not be deprogrammed. Someone needs to just come up with a new program!"

Happily, you are mistaken.  I suggest you read "Programming and  Metaprogramming the Human Biocomputer" by Dr. John Lilly, or "Prometheus Rising" by Dr. Robert Anton Wilson for examples of and instructions for de- and re-programming.  Or you can pay me $250 plus expenses and I can get you there in less than an hour, using legal, natural methods.  We can replace the flawed, outmoded, and downright crazy "Straight programming" with a more suitable, efficient, and happier program of your own choosing.  "You can be anyone you want to be, this time around!"

If you are serious about erasing Straight's influence on you and replacing it with a better operating system, PM RTP2003, Rabbi Dopeman, or any other affiliate of the Red Temple Cult for more information.  Serious inquiries only, these techniques are safe and effective, and many people have benefitted from their application.  Don't let Straight's bullshit hold you back any longer.  The choice (yes, you do have a choice, you are not now, nor have you ever been, "powerless") is yours.

[Anonymous]

So my boyfriend asked me for some time and space to reflect on where we're going.  This is a reasonable request, could be the end, could be a new beginning, who knows, but these things happen, yeah?

  The next day I'm sitting on my couch thinking about it and feeling like my heart is literally breaking and just crying and crying (as I have done when someone I've been seeing less than 2 weeks wants to break it off...my degree of emotional attachment to someone breaking up with me is completely inconsistent with my reaction to it) and feeling entirely worthless and rejected and terrified(?), and thinking "I want my mom" (odd because I seldom turn to her in times of crisis) and wondering why in the fuck I ALWAYS do this and I can't just be cool.

  SO I start just thinking and not trying to stop anything and I realize that, in my heart, I'm still standing heel to toe in line to go home on that first fucking night in Straight, trying to grasp that I have to stay here, and I can't call my friends, and I can't even discuss this with my parents, and just crying and crying in complete fucking shock, and despair, and fear, and feeling betrayed by my parents.  Yeah, it did hurt me.  I did care what they thought, and it hurt a lot that they left me there and I just admitted this.  I felt like they didn't love me.  It hurt.  And they were fucked-up to do a thing like that, it wasn't because i deserved it, I would NEVER do this to any kid of mine, no matter what they did.  Never.  It was their mistake...not mine.

  Anyway, I stopped crying about the guy. That's still a hard thing, but I feel like a grown-up dealing with a romantic entanglement as opposed to a child seeking approval from a parent, for the first time in my life.  I don't feel like a relationship ending is actually a reflection of my self worth.

  I'm finally in counseling, and god, it's working already.  

  So, this was incredibly boring to most of you, I'm sure, but where else does one SAY things like this?