Are you still programed?

[Jeannine]

I was just wondering if you are all still
"Programed" after all this time? No matter how hard I try I can't forget those times. On my second day there I saw someone from the guys side slit his wrists. There was so much blood.I was 15. Its been 16 years and I'll never forget that. People used to run for the door and they were tackled and restrained. If the girl was to strong the guys came over and helped. I was on first phase on and off for almost 8 months. I couldn't go to school! What the f$#% was that about? I have never graduated till this day!

[Helena Handbasket]

On 2005-10-21 23:23:00, Jeannine wrote:

"I was just wondering if you are all still

"Programed" after all this time? No matter how hard I try I can't forget those times. On my second day there I saw someone from the guys side slit his wrists. There was so much blood.I was 15. Its been 16 years and I'll never forget that. People used to run for the door and they were tackled and restrained. If the girl was to strong the guys came over and helped. I was on first phase on and off for almost 8 months. I couldn't go to school! What the f$#% was that about? I have never graduated till this day!"

When were you there, Jeannine?  I mean how long?

That's a horrible thing to witness at that age... or any age.  

I was there for four months in 1984, so we probably don't know each other.  I can't swear to it, but I seem to remember those back doors being padlocked shut, with a staff member sitting by them for good measure.  It was a wild time - and I tend to remember more things that were said, rather than what I saw.

I probably spent a month, maybe two "programmed" after my mother pulled me out.  She took at stab at AA (ya, right), so the morning after the pull, I grabbed a highlighter and started highlighting passages in her Big Book.  I would mute the sound on the radio or MTV if an artist came on that was considered "Satanic" by Petermann.  (We had a special rap about Satanic music, first TV I had seen in months).

It didn't take me long to get dressed up and go out just to prove a point.  I caught up with an old friend, we actually bought a bottle of Boonesfarm (cheap wine, if your unfamiliar) just to give the finger to everyone who thought I was such a fuckup.  So we drank our wine-pop, danced the night away (at an under 21 club) and I carried on with my merry life on Monday morning.  Almost successfully - my mother would invent a new way to "send me off" someplace every 8 to 9 months.  There was no place worse than LIFE, IMHO.

The anger went on for about 8 years - although I couldn't figure it out - eventually I pinpointed it, looked at it... rolled it around like a kitten with a ball of yarn, and eventually unravelled it.

The part of the program that I still carry with me was based on this http://fornits.com/wwf/viewtopic.php?to ... =30#133649 incident.  To this day, I hold my breath as I turn into my street for fear my house may have burned down in my absence.  But that's the only thing.

Well, that was long-winded.  How are you doing?  What are you fighting with?

_________________
Where are we going, and what are we doing in this handbasket??[ This Message was edited by: Helena Handbasket on 2005-10-22 12:30 ][ This Message was edited by: Helena Handbasket on 2005-10-22 12:31 ]

[Anonymous]

Jeannine,

Red hair? I remember you. My name is Sean and I was part of the charleston group within the life program (1990-1991). I cant say it was not crazy but I am scared to think of my life without L.I.F.E. Where would I be and what would I have done. I don't think everyone in there was an alcoholic or whatever else, but for me, I was an alcoholic and after a few more attempts, I am a recovering alcoholic, happily married  but for the record, I never "grew out out of it"-the disease that it is. Hope you are doing well. We were friends once. I hope everyone from life is doing well. My best friend from charleston did not make it. I am thankful I made it this far, I think without the program (even the reduced seven steps) I would have been in trouble. Miss Pete's crazy nature and all of the other clowns could never compare to my own mind. I think that the old lady might have had a good heart after all. Hope all are safe. Sean

[Helena Handbasket]

On 2005-10-22 21:58:00, Anonymous wrote:

"Jeannine,



Red hair? I remember you. My name is Sean and I was part of the charleston group within the life program (1990-1991). I cant say it was not crazy but I am scared to think of my life without L.I.F.E. Where would I be and what would I have done. I don't think everyone in there was an alcoholic or whatever else, but for me, I was an alcoholic and after a few more attempts, I am a recovering alcoholic, happily married  but for the record, I never "grew out out of it"-the disease that it is. Hope you are doing well. We were friends once. I hope everyone from life is doing well. My best friend from charleston did not make it. I am thankful I made it this far, I think without the program (even the reduced seven steps) I would have been in trouble. Miss Pete's crazy nature and all of the other clowns could never compare to my own mind. I think that the old lady might have had a good heart after all. Hope all are safe. Sean "

When did you decide you were an "alcoholic"?

[Jeannine]

I am glad to hear from you. It has been along time.It still feels like yesterday in my mind sometimes though. Very emotional period of my life. I should say rollercoaster at times. I left Florida 6 mths. out of L.I.F.E.. I moved to N.Y. and never looked back. I just celebrated my ten year wedding anniversary. I don't know if you read my reply to your post about John but till this day I still think of the last time I saw him and wished that I stopped him.. Within 6 months of that day he was dead. I feel guilty that I didn't try harder to get him to come back. He was great. So funny. I remember when he got nervous his face turned so red. Talk about wearing your feelings on your sleeve. It was because of him I left and started my life over. Staff used to say,"You can't change your problems geographically." I am proof that is not always the case.I'm glad all is well with you.

[Antigen]

Hey Jeannine,
  Welcome.

On 2005-10-24 17:10:00, Jeannine wrote:

 I don't know if you read my reply to your post about John but till this day I still think of the last time I saw him and wished that I stopped him.. Within 6 months of that day he was dead. I feel guilty that I didn't try harder to get him to come back.

I read that post. I'm sure Helena did to, but do you mind if I throw in my .02?

Please quit beating yourself up over this. Look around, read up and talk w/ some other ppl who went through the Program. I think you'll find what I have and what I remember of the whole experience. The Program itself works very much the same as an emotionally abusive, controling, jealous spouse, except that you've got anywhere from 50 to 700 of them and some of them are taking notes. That and, of course, if you make it to a phone w/o getting tackled and manage to call 911, they'll just laugh at you anyway.

THAT is enough to drive someone to drinkin or suicide. Allowing the kid to escape (intentionally or not) was probably not a significant factor in this tragedy. What happened to him to make him want to escape and, if his parents chose the Program over him afterward, now THAT clearly has the potential to do some harm.

But, honest to God, you should let yourself off the hook. Very little of what went on was within any of our control. You didn't fail this kid.

The disrespect for the possession laws fosters a disrespect for laws and the system in general... On top of this is the distinct impression among the youth that some police may use the marihuana laws to arrest people they don't like for other reasons, whether it be their politics, their hair style or their ethnic background.
                                                                     
Anonymity Anonymous

[Anonymous]

If you believe any of the Stepcraft dogma, particularly the part about being "powerless over (whatever)", then yes, you are still "Programmed".

Assert your psychic independence from the Stepcult by smoking marijuana TODAY!

[Jeannine]

Thankyou!!

[xvipah]

I don't think I'm programmed either way..

I had a serious problem, and LIFE helped me fix it.  Could there have been better ways?  Yep..  But, that was the way my parents chose so that's what I did.

Now, I don't think about it much, I actually found this place because I was looking for a picture of the 7th step charm that they used to give out when you 7th stepped(well, they didn't give em out, your parents bought em).

If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be.

--Thomas Jefferson

[xvipah]

On 2005-10-24 17:10:00, Jeannine wrote:

"I am glad to hear from you. It has been along time.It still feels like yesterday in my mind sometimes though. Very emotional period of my life. I should say rollercoaster at times. I left Florida 6 mths. out of L.I.F.E.. I moved to N.Y. and never looked back. I just celebrated my ten year wedding anniversary. I don't know if you read my reply to your post about John but till this day I still think of the last time I saw him and wished that I stopped him.. Within 6 months of that day he was dead. I feel guilty that I didn't try harder to get him to come back. He was great. So funny. I remember when he got nervous his face turned so red. Talk about wearing your feelings on your sleeve. It was because of him I left and started my life over. Staff used to say,"You can't change your problems geographically." I am proof that is not always the case.I'm glad all is well with you. "

I wanted to add my .02 also.  I remember John, I wasn't real close with him, but we went to school together at Venice High and I was fairly good friends with Dave who was fairly good friends with John, so we talked to each other now and again.

I heard about how he died, this was after I had already 7th stepped and moved on to College.  I don't think you can blame yourself, I also don't think there is anyone to blame.  Just remember the good things about him and when you think of him think of what there was to like, like the red-faced thing  :smile:

-Mike

To make certain that crime does not pay, the government should take it
over and try to run it

--G. Norman Collie