taken from struggling trolls
I have a 17 1/2 year old daughter and live in NJ. She smokes pot occassionally and drinks; although, I do not think she is addicted. She is in academic classes but has no interest in pursuing a successful career. It has steadily gone down hill since 8th grade. She has managed to always pass her classes but this year it has gotten much worse. Decided that she didn't care if she graduated. Cut so many classes and b/c of a discipline problem at school, she is being transferred to an 'alternative' public school -- which she is very happy about b/c she is friendly w/ 7 out of the 10 kids in the school and they have very few rules. This weekend she stayed out all night, cops picked her up, and she left again. She can be so sweet and kind but sometimes gets herself into a lot of trouble.
She was arrested last May as her friend had 3 joints in her car and she was arrested in Aug for shoplifting. Now, this weekend, she was drug tested by police and she showed positive for pot. The probation officer is now sending her to a place called 'High Focus' in NJ. It's a substance and mental rehab facility. Think she will be going 4 days per week and # of days go down as she progesses thru program for about 3 mths.
I am wondering if I should have her go to a residential therapeutic boarding school rather than this 'alternative' day school and the out-patient rehab. I know that she will not want to go and may even try to runaway but am concerned that if out-patient doesn't work, I won't have enough time to help her b/c she will be 18.
She hangs out w/ a bad crowd (hs dropouts, ages fr 17-24, and drugs are in this crowd.) I know it would be good for her to get away b/c she is a definite follower. She gets depressed, can manipulate me and most people, threatens suicide and can be very mean and defiant (even to the police and me, of course)
Any suggestions/comments? Any schools that you might recommend or do you think we should try the outpatient rehab and hope for the best? I have very mixed emotions about sending her away. Feel like I amm betraying her.
I'd appreciate any replies. Thank you.
Feel like I amm betraying her.That's because you ARE!!!
but now the struggling trolls are running in trying to convince the parent they are not... but thats exactly what they are doing. betrayal.
how stupid can you get... sending your kid away for 3 joints and shoplifting... really hardcore criminals here. :roll: were these programmie parents ever teens? my god......
some typical struggling troll responses.. think how many referal offers this post must of got!?!
heleneb
Member
Member # 4818
SK,
It seems like your daughter has gotten into quite a bit of trouble with the law and probably has a bigger drug issue than you think (in most cases this come out in wilderness or TBS). I can only speak from experience with my 17 year old son. He went to an alternative high school and that is where he met up with the drug crowd. However, these alternative schools do get the kids through somehow (I don't think that they learn much) and she would get her high school diploma which would be good if she decides to eventually go to even a junior college. That being said, therapeutic boarding schools also have academics and she could also graduate high school there.
As far as outpatient rehab, it did nothing for my son (in fact it made it worse). I trully believe that kids like your daughter need to be taken out of their environment. You are correct in that you don't have much time until she turns 18. Escorting her to a quality wilderness program, will give you insight into the next step. The therapist there are very good at observing kids outside their environment. You really don't want to wait until she gets into trouble again with the law, as they may send her to juvenile detention (which would be horrendous) and then they can overide your decision should you want to send her to wilderness/RTC or TBS. The court system doesn't really understand about these programs, as few parents can afford them. The courts believe in rehab centers which just introduce your daughter to even worse characters. I think that you are smart to be thinking about intervening now. Until she is 18 it is not too late. The closer she gets to 18 will limit which programs would accept her as they generally don't like to take kids near 18, because most walk out when they can. It is better to be proactive before she gets in any more trouble. I think that since she won't be 18 for 8 months, there is still time but don't wait too long. Minimally, sending her to wilderness will give you time to think, keep her safe, and be a wake-up call that she needs to really think about where her life is going. Good luck! HB
SK
Junior Member
Member # 4993
Helen - Thanks for your response. I have been reading these forams for two days and have learned a ton. But am also a little discouraged b/c it seems like most of the programs do not have a lasting affect on the kids. I know that its important to get the right fit, but even then there are no guarantees. If you don't mind me asking, how is your son doing now and has he returned home? Also, how long has he been out for?I am so scared that if I send her to away and it is the wrong choice that I could do more damage than good. I need to hear some more success stories! I hope yours is one you can share.
This is such a tough decision!
HStreet
Member
Member # 3697
SK- many of us have success stories. It is not a function of picking the right program, or being the right kind of parents- frankly, a lot of it is just a combination of the program, the maturing of the kid and the fortitude of the parents. There is no way to predict which kids will be successful, but it is pretty easy to predict where a kid will head if some sort of intervention is NOT done.
My son just turned 19 and has been out of his TBS for a year and a half. He can still be an arrogant jerk, but he is a top student and athlete. He is waiting for decisions from some highly selective colleges. He does not do any drugs and drinks fairly responsibly. When we had him taken from our house by escorts in May 2003, I did not expect to ever see this day.
Dadrod
Member
Member # 4316
I agree with the thoughts that an alternative school is seldom the answer, and that rehabs aren't as effective as we would like. The issue becomes one of hte student/patient's motivation. If they don't want to be there, and the environment doesn't get them involved in the goals, it won't do much to get and keep them clean. And, adolescents can be really good about putting up a good front without changing inside.
Given the limited time before she turns 18 and leagally
[great spelling there DADROD :lol:] could leave if she wanted to do so (absent some court order, which, given the mandatory program now, may not be so hard to get), I'd not go for wilderness. Rather, I'd look for a fit with a program with more intensive therapy (at the possible price of just-average academics). I know many good programs, and that they vary in approach and in average stay for completion. 8 months is "tight" for the most intensive schools, and whereever she goes or whatever she does, there are no guarantees - as you noted. But I think the odds for a longer, better life improve immeasurably with a good program, and I believe that the reputable programs produce lasting, positive effect for the substantial majority of their students.
katsmom
Member
Member # 4446
We placed my D in Wilderness at 17.3 and her EGBS at exactly (to the day!) 17.5. She's now 18 and has voluntarily signed on to stay until she at least graduates HS in June. We were told to bypass schools in Utah because of a law that they cannot live residentially with other students past 18. That really limited our choices but I was determined that this was our last chance to do something for her before it was out of our hands. Feel free to PM me as I did lots of investigating into which schools are good at retaining kids past 18 and which states have laws that are favorable to this. Good luck!
fl1619
Member
Member # 4389
hi, my daughter turned 18 at her tbs in oakley ,utah, as many of the students do. all of the kids remain together, and some kids spend time there even after graduation. they do not release kids from the program just because they have turned 18. i will agree that time is of the essence. i know that before my daughter went to school she was in a rehab where most of the kids were court ordered there.the kids who had dirty drug tests or who violated rules were subsequently arrested. sending my daughter away was the best thing that we did.she has been home since jan, has nothing do to with old crowd, feels good about herself, and has plans for a future. i would suggest you get an education consultant who will help you find the right school for your daughter. you might also want to attend nar anon . good luck ,fern
olinda
Member
Member # 4228
SK:
I have an 18 yo daughter (about to turn 19 in Dec.). Her life was going downhill since 9th grade, in 11th grade she had a bad depression, was drinking, using pot, etc. We decided to send her to an emotional growth boarding school, mostly to get her away from the home environment and the bad situation. I didn't use escort or wilderness program, she didn't really need it. During her spring vac. I took her to a boarding school out East, she looked around, decided that it wasn't that horrible, and stayed.
She spent 13 months there and graduated in April of this year.
My daughter didn't "buy" into the program, was often home sick, had bad grades and nasty attitude, we spent huge amount of $$ and weren't very happy about the program ... but she has her life back, graduated h.s., at least for right now she's going to a sleep away college, has friends, and generally behaves like a 'normal' teenager, a bit younger then her age may be, but still a 'normal' one. Plus, she and I have much better relations now and we even survived the summer,- with the help of family therapy.
I don't know if ours is a success story,- we're still in the middle of it. My daughter wants to take time off college and rent an appartment with her 'local friends' - we don't think it's a very good idea in her case. Never the less, the year away from me, in a totally different, structured, and sometime unpleasant environment changed many things for the best in her life.
/olinda/
attyinaz
Member
Member # 4748
I'm late on chiming in, but I was in your same situation. My daughter was spiraling out of control and graduated from high school at 17 in May. Her 18th birthday was Oct. 23. I wanted to send her away before graduation, but my husband convinced me to let her get a high school diploma. She graduated May 25, we were on a plane to a wilderness program May 29. After wilderness, she went to a small facility in Idaho.
She was bound and determined to leave on her 18th birthday (long other thread if you do a search, you can see the details), but with no money and no place to go, she decided to stay past 18.
I don't know how much time is enough, she spent so much time resisting (her stay at wilderness was among the longest of the people who started with her), she didn't make an effort to change because she thought she was going to check herself out at 18, it's only now startng to dawn on her that she is wasting her time, my resources are finite.
I would act now, don't delay.
FS
Member
Member # 3142
Our son had always been a great kid until high school. Then he went into a depression and became very rebellious. We ended up sending him to a wilderness program by escort. Today, he is doing very well. He attends college, lives in a dorm, gets good grades, does not do drugs, is respectful and has a part time job. My thought with this is that intervention of some kind is needed to help your child. You might try a short period of time with the altnerative school and therapy, etc. It's probably best if you can work the problem out at home. However, often times this seems to be an overwhelming task and too much is at stake. These kids can make some horrendous errors in judgment in a short period of time. If you see that your child is regressing or if your gut tells you that it's not going to work, I would make a quick change to a TBS. My advice: observe and follow your intincts. Wishing you well.
SK
Junior Member
Member # 4993
Wanted to thank all of you for your advice. Things went from bad to much, much worse since my last post. We ended up sending her to a wilderness program and also hired an escort service. Today is her first day there. I was very pleased with the escort service as they were very professional and the transport went as smooth as I guess we could have expected.
We also heard from the wilderness program probably 4 hours after she arrived and she has been crying since she got there. I feel so sad about that. I know its not supposed to be fun but I know how hard this is going to be for her (and for me when I get the first letters.)
Anyway, thanks again for all your help.
LizV
Member
Member # 4736
SK,
The first few days and weeks are very tough (not that its ever easy having our kids away from us), but you've done the right thing. You're giving her a chance to regain her life and build a future. I would look on your daughter's tears as a good thing in a way--it signals that she's beginning to face reality. That realization can spur tremendous growth.
A parent on this site told me to take a break from my son for the first week or two of his placement. That was hard, but good advice. We were so exhausted and emotionally spent by the time he left. Later, we were rested, stronger, and ready for the hard work of therapy with his counselor. Its something you might consider.
I wish you the best of luck on this journey. Do keep coming back to this site--the people and stories here can provide much needed insight and support.
Liz
katsmom
Member
Member # 4446
SK it's a journey and we're all there with you. Do not expect to hear good news regarding a turn around until at least four weeks into the wilderness program at the earliest. Your daughter's field therapist will provide recommendations for aftercare but I would be proactive and get an Educational Consultant now. Because of your daughter's age, you should be especially proactive and have all options checked out and ready to go. I wish you luck and my heart goes out to you as we were in the same situation before Christmas last year. We chose outpatient/therapy and it didn't work (sober but out of control) so we sent her to Wilderness. I cried for weeks when the Field Therapist, psychological profile psychiatrist, EC recommended long term EGBS when my daughter was 17.5 but although I don't feel "normal" now, hopefully my daughter will after completing her program. That's all I ask for. My D has spent her 17th and 18th birthday in treatment and that made me very sad. However, her program completes a month after she turns 19 (next Dec 06) and I think she and we will have made a lot of growth by then. Hopefully we will have many happy birthday celebrations and holidays at home after that.
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man these people sicken me. anyone who goes to their board asking for help is immediately told if they dont send their kid away to a program things will get worse. this is such a lie its not funny.
if you read that board often enough, you'll also notice how all of the program supporters over here sound suspiciously similar to some of their notorious posters at strugglingtrolls. must be the hangout of the superfreaks or something... :lol:
