http://www.wildestcolts.com/adhd/book.shtmlExcerpt:
Discipline and Punishment
Parents worry about how to "discipline" their children. I have discovered that discipline is very often a code word for punishment. So any consideration of setting limits with children must address this thing we call punishment. Why do we punish children? To teach them a lesson? Because they make us mad? Because they acted badly and deserve it? For their own good? Because they need it? Because we just don't get it?
The first chapter of Jan Hunt's book, The Natural Child, is titled, "'Getting It' About Children." Her experience is that adults either understand that children are human beings who deserve to be treated like human beings-or they just don't get it. Adults behave as well as they are treated-everyone knows that. Why is it assumed that children will behave better if punished? I am extremely fortunate in that I know that punishment is unnecessary. I don't really know how best to help others "get it," but I know we need to keep trying and to get ourselves as clear and strong as possible about caring for children in a good way. In my world, good parenting does not include punishment. Punishment is the unfair use of rank to inflict pain. Many people believe in the effectiveness of punishment because it gives the appearance of control, but it has many effects beyond any short-term suppression of behavior.
Remember the aphorism that, "Unfair use of rank causes revenge." Punishment encourages lying, deceit, hypocrisy, and worse. This is true of all punishment-physical hurting, verbal or emotional shaming, and behavior modification techniques--any use of rank to inflict pain. Many parents believe in punishment as fervently as they do their religious tenets, and even protest that God himself ordered them to not "spare the rod and spoil the child." Consider this note from Norm Lee, in his email newsletter for parents6:
In a recent lecture to a group of parents, I opened a book and read aloud: "Start discipline early; make clear rules, enforce them promptly and consistently. Reinforce obedience with, 'Good boy, that's a nice girl,' together with pats and hugs. After disciplining, tell them you love them, but it was for their own good."
There were unanimous nods of agreement, some voicing their approval quite heartily. But when I showed the book's cover, they gasped in shock:
HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DOBERMAN PINSCHER
In their beliefs about methods of treating children and dogs, there was not a smidgen of difference!
So there is an eye-opener. Discipline has become a code word for punishment. Yet discipline can be a virtue when it refers to self-control, persistence, delay of gratification, and other qualities necessary for success and happiness in life. Perhaps the most helpful understanding comes when we add the word "self" and speak of self-discipline. The challenge is to discipline ourselves, to be disciplined, to act out of loving and thoughtfulness even when we don't like what we see, to keep going with what we really believe in (like loving and respecting our children) even when we are frightened or discouraged. Remember the model imperative. When we punish, we teach punishment. The one way we really help our children to develop self-discipline is through our own embodiment of this virtue.
What Punishment Does to Children (and their punishers)
There is no shortage of suffering in life. All punishment causes additional suffering. Here are some things that all types of punishment, physical or not, have in common:
1)Punishment interferes with a child's inherent nature. It disrupts the natural tendency toward affinity, the loving bond between child and adult. It diminishes the ability and capacity to love. It diminishes intelligence.
2)Punishment is an act of despair, hopelessness and distrust in the true nature of both child and adult. Adults who resort to punishment have given up on themselves. They have lost confidence in their resourcefulness and forsaken the joy of a loving, respectful relationship with their child. They have also lost sight of the true nature of their child, that even though a child may be having a hard time and acting "badly," he still wants to be close and affectionate. He just needs some help right now.
3)Punishment is a rejection. It hurts. It makes a child fearful. A child who "misbehaves" is already suffering from a broken sense of connection. Punishment makes it worse. Far from restoring connection, punishment induces fear and anxiety that can be life-long.
4)Punishment warps people and breaks the spirit. It psychologically connects the child to the punisher in a guilt bond. It undermines courage and confidence, leading to fearfulness and cowardice. It makes the child feel guilty and unworthy.
5)Punishment prevents emotional healing and the restoration of a child's true nature. Distress caused by physical or emotional hurts is cleared by emotional expression. Crying over a fall or a loss, storming over frustration, shaking after a fright-these natural and effective ways of releasing hurts are suppressed by punishment.
6)Punishment shuts off the search for and possibility of communication between adult and child, and the understanding of the real causes of conflict or "bad behavior." Genuine understanding is lost.
7)Punishment is a failure in conflict resolution. It teaches that might makes right, and distracts the child from learning how to resolve conflict in peaceful ways.
:cool:Punishment is such a distorted process that adults who punish children will think they have discharged their responsibility (which in this severely distorted view is to control the child). Punished children will learn to feel and think they are absolved of responsibility once they have served their punishment.
9)Punishment is the unfair use of rank; therefore it creates a desire for revenge. It also creates an ongoing power struggle as a child desperately defends his or her autonomy. Remember, it is more important for a young person to resist control than to have things go well.
These things and more are the real lessons taught by all types of punishment. It is useful to consider the specific case of physical punishment. Here are five specific consequences of physical violence toward a child; the first three are unique to physical punishment, the last two effects can be caused as well by non-physical methods.
1. It is dangerous; it often escalates and can cause bodily injury.
2. It teaches children to become hitters themselves, producing feelings of resentment and rage, turning children into bullies.
3. Severe punishment is more likely to induce apathy. Remember the survival dynamic; suppression leads to frustration; frustration leads to anger; suppressed anger leads to apathy.
4. It teaches that might makes right, that violence and intimidation are the way to power.
5. It makes the child fearful. An adult may gain control of a child in the short term, when he or she is in view. Out of sight, a child will rebel. In the long term, a punished child will have greater difficulty establishing autonomy, self-discipline and intimacy.
The work of two writers was very helpful to me in compiling these lists about punishment. Jan Hunt, in The Natural Child, is so beautifully clear in explaining that there is absolutely no necessity to use punishment on our children. I also recommend her website, The Natural Child Project, at
http://www.naturalchild.org. Norm Lee's aforementioned email newsletter, "Parenting without Punishment," was also most helpful.
