...Uh...just back to the advocate thing for a minute. By the time i'd been in the program for a little over a year i was court-ordered. One day out of the blue my probation officer showed up to check on me. It was amazing but i actually got to talk to him alone in the front office. i can't remember what phase i was on, i think 2nd. He asked me if i was OK because he knew that str8 had a controversial reputation. He told me he could get me outta there if i wanted. Well, hell yeah i wanted outta there, but i was too paranoid to trust him. i really didn't know the guy and was afraid that he would tell staff i wanted out. i considered it a set-up and told him that i was fine. He left and that was that.
He couldn't help me. Couldn't even reach me. Wasn't even really talkin' to me. Fuck!! The agony of havin' someone in a position to help, and wanting to help, but my mind bein' so over-run with fear and mistrust and paranoia that i couldn't trust anyone. That is Fucked Up.