Anon said -------"What would the teacher do if you motivated a little to get called on ? Think about that for just a second. You probably wander through your life every fucking day looking for people like you. The handful of folks that you find that may have even a shred of similarity to the training you received in Straight, they are still actually nothing like you. In factual truth, you are probably nothing like the people you know and they probably CANNOT relate to you and your personal experiences and your highly personal modes of characterization and trained personality, unless you go to a coffee shop in the middle of nowhere. It has hurt you that there is noone like you anymore. You are truly, very truly, a lone star in the sky. And I don't mean that in a general sense or some thoughtful kind way. I mean this in a very real way in the way you react, respond, speak, and act around others as per your training in Straight. You are probably very militant and organized and aggressive, impulsive even, about the things you do."-----------
Ummm...when i first started college...I remember wondering "what if I motivate right now...that would freak the whole class out." And it took a little getting used to seeing the calm, unmotivated raised hands....
In the 12 years before starting college, no matter what kind of people I was hanging out with, I always noticed how different straight made me from them...after a while I just learned to focus on what I did have in common with them even if it wasnt much. But even so...I could never get rid of the damn awareness of how different I was and that they could never comprehend who I was because of straight.
College has widened that gap so to speak...I still try to find common ground with people...but it happens less often now...the more educated the people are that I have to interact with...the more isolated I really get.....because believe me the people I have to go to school with and work with are VERY SHELTERED.
I go on about that isolated "there really is no one out there I can really relate to" feeling for a long time....anyway in college--12 years after straight...I spoke to no one for the most part, unless they engaged me for some reason...not just because I could not relate to the whole college frat/sorority crap, the age difference...but even around the "older" students, it was also because I was always very aware of how different I was...The only people I connected with on any level were two professors who took an interest in me...because they could tell I was different, but in an unusual way.....sure I was the model A student...but my motivation and drive both puzzled them, and kept me very much in my own world.
Law school's been even worse...more extremely sheltered people who are also...well lets just say incapable and unwilling to understand in any way who I am or my experience in Straight. Same thing, I am even more aware of how different I am being amongst "privileged and connected" people...and i hate it....(although at first I did attempt to find common ground....but now I know better than to try with most of them and usually dont bother anymore)
After 20 years, I am still different. Period. Here is where I am "normal."