When I left the Seed I cast about for some kind of structure...stayed at home for a month until my mom, to celebrate new years, got drunk and told me, 'nice guys never win...and you're a nice guy' - among other unpleasantness, I left home again, although I did not sever ties with my family. I enrolled in college and met with the college shrink, who told me, month's later, 'you're a sensitive guy and you've been thru a lot.' Not much help there. I read books like 'The Drama of the Gifted Child' and anything by John Bradshaw about family systems and shame. Although I decided I was NOT an alcoholic and started to enjoy wine (but learned what was too much), and had even smoked a joint or two (and found I would not develop full blown paranioa, as I had pre-Seed), I went to AA meetings and Alanon and Adult Children of Alcoholics. I tried to imagine my inner child. I joined a 'family group' and tried to re-enact parts of my childhood (embarrasing). I joined a men's group. I tried going to church, decided I had problems with religious pronouncements. Suffering from anxiety and depression, I went to a doctor who prescribed a drug, that lifted all my anxiety, (yea!) removed my sex drive (oh oh), and finally led me to develop mania, which was fun but unsustainable (I kissed everyone, wept and laughed - but didn't sleep - wrote really bad - and really long - poems, and dressed in some kind of faux asian bohemian style; I almost lost my job!). I stopped the drug cold. I'm glad it's over, but I learned about parts of myself I didn't know still existed, like joy. Sometime later, I got married, and much later, divorced. Recently remarried (to a fantastic woman), and now I have a child, at age 46. My wife is jewish, I've been to temple (not bad - very spiritual and no banging on poor jesus christ all day long). I have wine with dinner, use no drugs except what's medically necessary, haven't gotten high in ages. If it weren't not for the fear that world is in terrible, terrible shape, I'd consider myself happy. And what did I take from all of this searching, flailing about for meaning?
We're all a bunch of fools and lost souls, and we should be kind to each other. Maybe there's a god, maybe not, but I am skeptical of anyone who claims to speak for him, her or it. Power corrupts everyone, and so does the lack of power. Buddhism is kind of cool, but can be boring. Sometimes it's nice to be with a group of people, sometimes you're better off alone, but both can make you crazy. Your family will drive you crazy, but that's where you came from. Hard work won't kill you, either will lazyness, just not too much of both. Sometimes problems do just go away by themselves. Doctors are people too. Goverment is corrupt. Beware of anyone who has an easy answer for you. Life is STILL like high school. There are always winners and losers, sometimes it doesn't matter.
There's my wisdom, such as it is. My Seed experience, both embracing it and rejecting it, was a part of that.
Sorry if this is self-endulgent, I just wanted to lay this out there. I suppose, in some way, this forum satisfies my need to 'rap.'Thank you!
Walter
