When dose No mean No?

[Anonymous]

When dose No mean No? When is enough? Just because  she is married dose it give her husband the right to sex after she has said no? Or if she says no to hurt her mentally because
she said no. Put her on a guilt trip. Wants rough sex? When is enough- enough ? Dose No mean Yes?
Ever roll played and had rough sex, then regreat it? Or had rough sex and couldn't stop thinking about It? Why is this  a turn on for some?
Ever have rough sex once and your partner
dose not want to stop? Why would rough sex be a turn on for some? But not for others. How far dose it have to go before a line is crossed?
Who likes bondage and why? How far will one go to get it? You tell me.

[Anonymous]

You need to get control of your life.  No always means no.  Enough is always enough.  Your body belongs to you.

[Anonymous]

I ask theses things because, My husband and I had gotten into a slump in our marrige. He started bringing home porn sneaking in magazines and movies. I removed them a couple of times but I found that this was not working. In the mean time we just kept getting further and further apart. Soon after that I started finding wrapers hidden in places all over the house. Turned out it was speed. and that he had been on it for a while. Now growing up I  had been an addict at one point in my life. When I let him know that I found the wrappers that he started coming out in the open with it. Concidering I had been an addict before I found myself wringing my hands. This was tough because it was in my home and in my face and it was not going away no matter what I did or said. So I like a fool gave into my weakness and joined him. He wanted to start having rough sex. At frist It seemed harmles enough. It was differant. And brought a little spice to our marrige. But then things started getting rougher more extrem. He kept bringing it home and changing more rapidly every day. So I gave him a chooce. Me or it. We got into some really nasty fights after that. He started hitting on me and calling me bad names and beaking my things. This was not the kind man that I married anymore. I felt quilty because I felt it was my fault for going along with these things. It was a turn on for a while until he took it out of the bedroom then It became personal. Plus it wasn't about sex any more he was hurting me by hiting on me and calling me a whore slut Ect. After a long struggle I finally got him off the drugs and he has been off sence.
But the abuse has not stoped and it seems to be getting worse. He started hitting me worse and his veiw of me even more worse. But I can't take it any more and am at the end of my rope. I never thought by egageing in this that it would continue on to be my worst nightmare. At frist it was some what kinky and exciting. Maybe because it was the ultimate no no. I just know that now it was the biggest mistake of my life. And it has ruined my marrige. I have tried to get him to go back to the way things use to be. But he shows no intrest in that any more and if it is not rough then he dosen't want me and then If I agree for weeks after he treats me really bad out side the bed room. So now I am just geting replused and sick every time this happens. I feel I am getting forced on now and resent it.
I don't know what to do. I do love this man but at this point it is like unscrambleing eggs. I just wanted to know if anyone else has been through this. I don't want to give up on my marrige but I can't take the abuse any more.
Wanted to know if any one had any advice? Dear Abby is out of her office right now and I am a desperate housewife at this point. Devorce is sounding pretty good right now. But is it wrong to blame my self for being a party to this in the frist place? Am i like the girl who teased a little bit then screamed rape? Is there hope for us? Has anyone else ever been through this?

[Anonymous]

Your husband had always been like this. He was not upfront in the beginning with his character. It's time to leave him. Healthy people that enjoy BDSM are not really abusive towards their partners. They respect their limits and will not force the person to do anything against their will. Your husband is just an abusive and sick individual who happens to enjoy abusing you with no regard to your safety and well being. Leave him as soon as you can. Sick and cruel people can not be fixed.

[Anonymous]

Your advise is well taken. I just felt because I allowed to be somewhat adventureous at frist that this was my fault and my responsabllty to fix this. His father was murdered about this time,and his father was his abuser. all the sudden when he died every thing he ever did was forgiven. but he seem to begain to act out everything his father was. and started saying and doing to me what he had lived and hated his whole childhood. I thought maybe this was something he was just going through because of the death and it would pass.but it has not so- here I am. And feel pretty dumb at this point because I would have never allowed this before.
I am sure alot of people have at one point thought about It. But there is a right way and a wrong way of doing these things. I will makes some calls tommrow. Find out my resources, and options. And work towards making steps to make sure this never happens again. Maybe I just needed to hear it from someone else. I belive you are right. I have been a faithful and a good wife for over 20 years And I don't deserve this.
Thank-you for taking the time to talk to me.

[Anonymous]

You need to get out of there ASAP.  It is NOT your fault that he is hitting you.  It sounds like since you allowed it to happen it may have changed his boundaries with you.  You need to leave, maybe tell him if he gets help and completes a program you would consider dating him again, if and only then.  And if he ever hits you again you'll be out of his life forever.  Easier said then done, but do it, you'll never regret leaving because it will either change him and free you, you'll always regret staying.  Don't ever let anyone abuse you again ever, have more respect for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Listen, I got out of an abusive marriage after five years. I left after the first year and went back. After I went back, I got pregnant and felt trapped and also felt like I deserved what I had coming. Things only got worse as I lowerd the standards of expectations not only for him, but for me. I ended up having a nervous break down which was the physical evidence that I needed that my situation was literally making me sick.

In your case, 20 years is a long time. You might feel like you invested too much to simply walk away. But think about how you feel now. How are you gonna feel after 21 years? 22? 23? 24?  It's not gonna get better.

Leave, and find some ways to rebuild your self esteem.  There is no excuse for the way he treated you. At the same time, we teach people how to treat us based on our acceptance of it. Teach him that his standards for behavior are low by walking away.  YOu will also be telling yourself you deserve better by doing it.

[Anonymous]

Thanks! I have got my point across now that when no is said it means no. I have moved in the other bedroom but at this point he drinks every night. I have to be careful  what I  say and just remain quite. I don't have any where to go and lived out on the streets for most of my childhood. what do you do when you are to old to start over. Where do you go?

[Anonymous]

As horrible as it may sound as being your option, I suggest you leave and go to a DV shelter.

Everything you have is material. You can always get more. What you can't get back is your life.

If you leave, do it quickly as possible and do not let him know you are leaving. When a woman leaves an abusive partner she is most at risk of losing her life. I know from working in this field and I know from experience firsthand.

[groovy1634]

no means no....plain and simple.....my heart goes out to you....leave his ass...it's alot easier than your mind/heart think it is...get out while you still have your soul.

[Antigen]

On 2005-06-18 22:41:00, Anonymous wrote:

"Thanks! I have got my point across now that when no is said it means no. I have moved in the other bedroom but at this point he drinks every night. I have to be careful  what I  say and just remain quite. I don't have any where to go and lived out on the streets for most of my childhood. what do you do when you are to old to start over. Where do you go?"

You're never too old to start something new. But, if he's like a lot of other certified assholes I've run accross, he'll sabotage any attempt to gain some independence. So you have to just leap and worry about the details when you land. Living in a shelter for awhile does suck somewhat. So you just have to weigh your options; how bad is it walking on egg shells? How long and hard do you have to work to keep him from going off? Is it worth it or not?

The only maxim of a free government ought to be to trust no man living with power to endanger the public liberty.
-- John Adams, (1772)