Posted by Ginger on September 28, 1999 at 00:06:14:
In Reply to: Is it ever okay to force rehab? posted by Alice on September 27, 1999 at 17:15:38:
Whow, what a charged kick off. Thanks.
Because of my past experiences, I can't be completey
objective all by myself. At the same time,
I have a unique perspective on this topic that
could be invaluable. So I would recommend
taking this within the context of that disclaimer
and seek other input for ballance.
: I've been guardian to a 12 year old girl for the past seven months. Her mom has been in rehab for the past six months. They called it voluntary but they used her kids as leverage to get her in. I have been involved, (she's an ex common-law, sister-in-law),with this woman and her two daughters for nine years. During most of this time the mom was either too high or too drunk to effectively parent her two daughters. Up until last October it would have taken either a major drug arrest or someone who actually witnessed the mom using drugs to get Child Protective Services involved. In October 1998 a new law was passed allowing CPS to remove children and order rehab for any parent they received numerous complaints of the same nature from a wide variety of sources, they no longer had to PROVE drug abuse. Of course the parents are offered a chance to go before the Family Court Judge and try to convince him or her they are not addicts, but they face the chance of loosing thier Parental Rights if the Judge don't believe them. This entire time the kids are either in the Children's Shelter waiting for Foster Care or placed with relatives.
: Now here's the tricky part for me. I believe this mom needs to be in rehab. I was happy when the CPS worker showed up at my house. I am one of the people who can give the most damning testimony if this mom ever ends up in front of the Judge, and I'm willing to do it. For nine years I have watched this woman neglect her children in order to get drunk or high. I've taken her kids away from her for extended (read years) lengths of time.
: I watched her older daughter, soon to be 15, begin drinking and using drugs at 11. She became sexually promiscuous at 12, the same year she was treated for gonnarhea. At 13 she attempted suicide, had a scare with hepatitis and was treated for her second case of gonnorhea. At 14 she again attempted suicide and is currently a ward of the State of Ga. living with an aunt.
: So when is it okay to force someone into rehab? Or is it ever? This woman would not have gone in, epecially not an entire year, without the threat of taking her kids away. (Georgia took the older one while this was all going on down here in Florida)
The most important thing I see here is to love those kids. Don't expect them
not to reflect the trauma they're obviously going through. But I had an interesting
childhood too and the things that stustained me emotionally and mentally were not about legal
authority, custody or any other overt, easily defined conditions. They were things like
a 3rd grade teacher who understood that it was the fault of the curriculum for being boring
not my fault for being easily bored. An older brother who, no matter how troubled (or stoned),
was interested in what I thought about things not which rules I'd broken. My dad being proud
of me for out-haggling a used bike salesman instead of viewing me as a reflection of report
cards, babysitters' reports and other trivial judgements.
As far as the mother goes, there are two important issues.
First you have to accept that, no matter how right you may be, you can't cause healing to happen in
the mind of another. It's not like a bacterial infection where you inject some antibiotic, look after
basic needs and comfort and the illness is reliably cured. If anything, the coercion distracts from
the real problem. Think about your own kids. It doesn't matter what personal problems you may have.
If someone threatens your kids, you're going to do anything you have to to protect them. As soon as
the threat is gone, the problem is gone too. The only way to recover from serious addiction is to
recognize the addiction, not someone else's response to it, as the real cause of real problems.
Maybe if you had a solid foundation of trust and affection with this lady, your sentiments might
sway her to consider her own failings. But if the relationship is adversarial, there's no way, no
matter how right you may be, to convince her of it.
After all, you'd be asking her to choose between the opinion of someone who
she views as threat and a very real threat to her children. What would you do?
The best you can hope for under those circumstances is for her to give in to
that threat and debase herself in order to get what she needs.
Just love those kids and, as you would look after the mother of anyone else you love, be as supportive
as you can to the mother.
The other question is about how you define treatment. It's hard to imagine people just choosing being
strung out all the time over living a healthy life. The only substances known to man that are genuinely
addictive are morphene and alcohol. Morphene withdrawl (especially if it's withdrawl from heroin, which
is a souped up version of morphene; compliments of the Bayer company) can be severe. So can withdrawl
from alcohol. But we have ways of getting through that part safely and in tolerable comfort. The rest
has to do with more complex mental and/or emotional issues. That goes back to the coercion issue. You can't
help an addict (or an agoraphobic, for that matter) who does not want to be helped. Mastering an addiction or
other self destructive behavior requires that the effected person seek information about their problem and
reliable support from people who earnestly have her best interest at heart. There are plenty of people around
who might meet those qualifications. Doesn't matter if they're degreed or not. What matters is that this lady
trusts them to help and betray her trust and that these people are capable of understanding what's happening to
her and/or representing her interests as she seeks help from pros (in person or in publication) who have the
information she needs.
There are people out there who will promise behavior modification. And they damned sure deliver on that promise.
They use the same techniques adapted in Korean POW camps; basically control every aspect of the person's environment
from what they see and hear to what and when they eat and drink, when and how much they sleep and how they hold themselves.
Then it's a pretty simple matter of intimidating them when they betray an attitude contrary to what you want and rewarding
them when they do what you want. Programs like these are extremely effective at dictating what a person does, says and even
believes. But they leave the person completely demoralized on a personal, spiritual level. THAT's what I'm here to warn you
about.
: Here's another hot potatoe. They implanted birth control in the older daughter without her permission or any kind of parental/guardian permission as well. Granted this is one child that should NOT be having children right now, it's just that they did not even ask.
Did they ask the girl? I don't think that strangers should ever presume to make such a decision as this for a girl. But it
sounds like these kids are virtual orphans. It would have been better if you or someone who'd be a relative forever had been
there to help her with this. But if no one like that was available to her, I would at least hope that the people who've chosen
this roll in the bureaucracy gave her all the information and support they could under the circumstances. It's pretty limited,
what you can expect from a stranger who deals with 50 girls just like her every day, though. But that part's water under
the bridge now. How does she feel about this now that it's done?
: If you've managed to read this far, here's another one. What about degrees of drug use/abuse? Is there a difference in how we/you see people who smoke pot daily and the guy that stops for happy hour daily and drives home? According to "THE LAW" drugs is drugs, I myself see a big difference in people's drugs of choice. Does the guy driving home drunk compare to the guy smoking crack in his bathroom? Does a line of coke snorted at a party compare with injecting it?
: Back to the original question though. Is it ever okay to force rehab?
: Alice
That's the 2 billion dollar question. Brother Jeb wants to set up drug courts to force into treatment anyone who's busted with any
illicit substance. This is the same man who's vowed to stop any changes to current drug policy. I personally feel that it's a waste
of time and energy trying to define addiction and abuse. What it comes down to is is this activity causing problems in my life? I don't
see that it matters whether it's soap operas, bad relationships, twinkies or heroin. (I've never met a marijuana junkie. Have you?) But
even if someone is killing themselves with any of these things, as much as you might wish to rescue them, you can't reach into someone
else's mind and rearange things; not without doing serious harm, anyway. There's a fine line between persuesion and coercion and it will
always defy bureaucratic definition. You just have to proceed according to your own concience in that regard.
Give those kids a hug for me and tell them to write their mother; send her some pictures and stuff.
Hope this helps,
Ginger