The new, improved, all-ages, faith-based Straight, Inc.-by-the-Sea (formally Straight, Inc. v2.0) is now hiring for the following positions:

Judges
Must still be employed the the state and be willing to stay employed for the state. For every druggie you court order to complete the program at Straight by the Sea you will receive a $2000.00 cash pay-off. For every referral to Straight by the Sea (without a court order) you make you will also receive a $1,000.00 cash pay-off.

Child Protective Service Workers (DHS Employees)
Must still be employed the the state child protective services (the DHS) and be willing to stay employed for the state. You will receive a cash pay-off for looking the other way when you are called to inspect Straight by the Sea or come interview a child claiming they have been abused at Straight by the Sea. This job pays $200.00 cash for each time you are ask to look the other way. For every referral to Straight by the Sea you make you will also receive a $1,000.00 cash pay-off.

Law Enforcement Personnel
Must still be employed the the state, city or country as law enforcement. You must be willing to stay employed by the state, county, city. You will receive a cash pay-off for looking the other way when you are called to Straight by the Sea or come interview a child claiming they have been abused at Straight by the Sea. This job pays $200.00 cash for each time you are ask to look the other way. For every run-away you return to Straight by the Sea with no questions ask you will receive A $1,000.00 cash payment. For every referral to Straight by the Sea you make you will also receive a $1,000.00 cash pay-off.

Kitchen Supervisor
Must plan and supervise meal preparation for group of approximately 200. Will oversee weekly budget of $135. Familiarity with institutional soup preparation preferred. Volunteers will be given preferential treatment, up to and including 15% reduction in monthly treatment fees for any dependent enrolled in Straight, Inc.-by-the-Sea.

Secretary/Receptionist
Familiarity with phones, typing. 'Luded-out, Stepford-like demeanor preferred. Must be experienced in evading and deflecting annoying calls from parents, lawyers, insurance companies, state and law-enforcement officials, and creditors.

Executive Secretary
Familiarity with office protocol, particularly document shredding and disposal. Must know finer details of fraudulent billing claims and forging signatures of medical professionals. Strong sales and collection background and willingness to lean on prospective accounts with threats of drug use and subsequent death of client's child if payment not rendered immediately.

Send resume, salary requirements and number of druggie children to Straight Inc. by the Sea by filling out the following form: